50

I will be 50 years old on this Saturday.  That sounds much older than I feel: physically or emotionally.  I can remember being 25, 30 or even 35 and thinking that by the time I'd hit the ripe ol' age of 50 I would be mature and have things all figured out.  Not sure why I thought that, as even then I was surprised at how as I knew more I knew how little I knew.  
We will celebrate in a low key way, which if you knew me and my family, is a little surprising.  But with everything else that has gone on this year, it's the right thing to do.  Besides, Hubby went all out celebrating my 40th.  I turned 40 mere months after my brother John was diagnosed with ALS.  This coming a short year after my brother, Chris, was killed in a car accident.  How fragile life was could not be ignored.  Hubby and I had discussed how we fail to tell people how much they mean to us, and then heap praises on them at their funerals.  What a waste.  So Hubby contacted friends and family far and wide and asked them to write to me and tell me how much I meant to them.  What a gift!  If you have someone special in your life (and especially if their Love Language is Words of Affirmation) this is a great idea.  I spent hours reading about my impact on others' lives.  Wow.  
It's 10 years later.  John is gone, as is my dad and Hubby's dad, and numerous friends.  And I find myself constantly trying to balance "Live like today is your last day" and "Be prepared to live to 100".  Not always easy.  But my brothers' deaths at a young age does have me working harder to share with others how much they mean to me.  
So I'll be 50.  Seems like I should know where I am going more than I do.  When I make a jigsaw puzzle (a favorite activity) I constantly check the picture.  When Hubby and I were first married, he said I was cheating.  I was amazed that people made puzzles without looking at the picture.  Well my life is now like making a jigsaw puzzle without the finished picture in mind.  Each day I pick up the pieces I have near me and try to fit them to each other and fit them into the puzzle that is my life so there is indeed a recognizable picture.  But I have no idea what the finished product will be.  Drives me absolutely crazy!  'Guess this is where trusting God comes in.  For a control freak like me, not exactly my strong suit.
There is nothing special about turning 50.  Nothing magical will happen to me on Saturday (although wouldn't it be nice if my fairy godmother came and bestowed on me wisdom and grace).  Turning 50 will be no different than turning 49 years 364 days.  Changes come through my effort and not through mere passage of time.