Worrying

I think I may finally be growing up. I have always been a consummate worrier. Stressing about possible happenings that rarely, if ever, occur. Worrying gains us nothing but stress. We're told to trust in God and NOT to worry. So for years, I've been working on this problem of mine.
Having said all that, I do believe there is a thin line between worrying and planning. Thinking of possible outcomes to plan for them is different than worrying, although I often find myself crossing between planning and worrying and back again.
Being a stay-at-home mom has made me worry a little less, especially financially. Living on one income is not easy, especially if you play the comparison game to other families. We give up much by having me be at home. But, if I really look, I lack little, if anything in my life. Our financial situation seems to be cyclical. We do well...budget balanced, few "catastrophic" bills, etc. and we feel like we're doing great. Then within a few months, a number of things will happen (like the year our van needed hundreds of dollars of repairs, our tenants moved out of our rental home in the middle of the night without saying anything, and school tuition rose 10%). But, looking back, somehow things worked out. A few years ago when Hubby and I were weighing our options, we decided that plan A was the right plan, but that somehow I'd have to bring in $2,000 in the next 10 months. I had no obvious opportunities immediately in front of me, but we made the decision anyway, with the idea I'd begin looking for work shortly. Not 2 weeks later, I was offered a contract for curriculum work...for $2,000.
Here we are again, sailing along for the last two years with little true concerns. Then our home owners insurance tripled in February, unexpected travel out of town, wedding anniversaries and weddings, the Singer banging up the car...and once again the financial mountain seems to loom ahead. Troubles with my certification making my contract work unavailable indefinitely. Ugh. Then, 2 weeks ago, a friend called me, asking if I'd be interested in working part-time (4 days a week, 9am - 3pm) with flexibility based on the girls' school calendar. Her office is a mere 5 minutes from the Imp's school. It's a small office (two full time employees), and I'd be doing a lot of organizing and cataloguing...my strengths for sure. We met for lunch on Tuesday and I start training mid-July and begin in earnest when the girls return to school in August. Wow! What timing!
I'm not trying to be Pollyanna. Things COULD have been different. If I hadn't been offered this job, we'd have to cut back on things. I don't sit around waiting for God to solve my problems, but trusting in God makes the problems seem more manageable and helps me put the proper perspective on the issues. Does it really matter if we get a new couch, or replace our worn carpet, or take a trip to New York City or buy the new bestseller, or drive a beat up car, or miss the latest movies at the theater? We've got each other and a roof over our heads, and food on the table...the rest is gravy.

Caffeine withdrawal

I've had no real caffeine since my Friday morning coffee. I've heard caffeine withdrawal is the worst the first 2 days...not for this girl. Maybe I still felt so bad from the sinus infection, the caffeine withdrawal didn't hit me, but with only 2 pieces of chocolate as my caffeine intake, I'm really craving a real cup of coffee (I've made myself the decaf kind for the last few mornings hoping to psyche myself out...no such luck) or some cola.

The Singer is Super Seventeen today, so I'm off to gather the ingredients for a shrimp pasta salad (her favorite...the Imp doesn't like it...so the Singer and I will enjoy it tonight on her real birthday and we'll have burgers tomorrow for the family birthday celebration). I'll get some fresh green beans, as well and saute them with a little garlic and butter, another favorite of the Singers. I'll also order the cookie cake we'll be sharing tomorrow night with the cousins, too. I can't believe it's been 17 years since I held her in my arms the first time. Time flies...enjoy them while you can.

Walk by Faith not by Sight

On the Saturday afternoon of June 9, 2007, when I got the call that John "had joined the angels," I had yet to read the devotional from my book, A Catholic Woman's Book of Days by Amy Welborn. In fact, the book stayed on my nightstand, unopened until my return from John's funeral a week later. On the 16th, late at night, I began to read the entries I'd missed and this was the entry for June 9th.

So we are always confident; even though we know that while we are at home in the
body we are away from the Lord -- for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we do
have confidence and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the
Lord.

--2 Cor 5:6-8

And the commentary:

A friend of mine once gave her opinion of the concept of
reincarnation. "I love life, but really, once is enough. I'll be
ready to be with God and stay there!"

In addition to being such an appropriate reading for the circumstances (as John's body had become such a prison for him), Second Corinthians is a favorite Letter from the Bible for John. The beginning of this letter has Paul explaining why we suffer.

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our
brother, To the church of God which is at Corinth with all the saints who are
throughout Achaia:
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord
Jesus Christ.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our
affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just
as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is
abundant through Christ.
But if we are afflicted, it is for your
comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort,
which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also
suffer;
and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are
sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

--2 Cor 1

Sinus Infections and Gifts

It's been a whirlwind week. After arriving home at 4 pm on Friday and getting the Imp to dress rehearsal by 5:30 pm and then surviving 2 performances Saturday. Sunday, Father's Day arrived. Thankfully all Hubby wanted was a quiet day at home. Some grilled steaks, potatoes, green bean casserole plus his gifts (new garden hose, nozzle, and home hair-cutting kit, a Toby Mac CD courtesy of the Imp and a guitar chord poster)plus watching the US Open and he was content. The week flew by as we prepared for Hubby and the Imp to leave early Thursday morning for PA and a wedding on his side of the family. Multiple trips to the library, a trek to Bush Gardens (the Imp and her male cousins have a goal of visiting Bush at least once a week throughout the summer and I'm designated driver. Hey this is why I don't work outside the home...but I could've used a break), laundry and packing and I got them to the airport early Thursday. Then I spent Thursday and Friday preparing for the Princess party for the Singer. This included pool deck cleanup as well as the house. Through all this I wasn't feeling the best. Frequent headaches...behind the eyes..which I attributed to the frequent crying and the attempts not to cry. By Thursday the pain was beginning to radiate through my check and jaw bones and my teeth began to ache. That was a sign...I needed to see a doctor. I have a sinus infection and was put on an antibiotic and steroid. Between the two of those drugs the side effects are less than pleasant. I'm to stay out of the sun because of sun-sensitivity, I'm to avoid caffeine (WHAT?) because of sleeplessness (and it's not like I've been sleeping well anyway), and nervousness, dizziness and irritability are also listed. That's not to mention the nausea, and other gastrointestinal reactions! Oh joy! I guess it's a good thing Hubby's in PA. After preparing for the party and welcoming the guests, I disappeared into my room, figuring that was better than showing my irritability. My doctor said "Think of a bad case of PMS...that's how you'll feel." Swell! I actually thought I did okay until the sleepover part and their laughter waking me at 2 am, 3:45 am and 5 am.

The party was a success! They played Pretty Pretty Princess and each guest was assigned a Disney princess before the party. Once here, they were given a quiz about their princess. Prizes included Princess bubbles and a Disney Princess paddle ball. They were going to swim, but a huge thunderstorm rolled in and forced them inside. Fortunately, the Singer had poster-sized coloring book with pictures of Disney Princesses to color. Yes these rising seniors in high school had a great time listening to music, talking and coloring! They also made foam tiaras. They had a blast and I got time alone...a win/win situation.

The one of the best things about today was I got my hair done. I had an appointment scheduled for the week of John's funeral, so I was about 10 days overdue. It does something to my psyche to see my roots (grey and brown) growing out...and not anything positive. I always feel better after getting my hair colored and cut. So between the meds and the haircut, I'm doing pretty good tonight...I just hope I can sleep (I had 2 mini chocolate cheesecakes today...homemade and leftover from the Singer's party).

But the very best thing that happened today was I received a condolence gift in the mail. This friend used to live in Tampa (3 short years as her husband was stationed at MacDill AFB). She was here for us when my brother Chris died. She cooked dinners for my family and helped in many other ways (taking over a fundraising activity I was in charge of) while I went to be with my parents. She is such a good friend...a crafting-buddy of mine. She sent a homemade garden stone and on it is a rosary made of red and white stones and a beautiful gold cross in the middle. It will be put in my garden tomorrow...next to my rose bush. It is great to feel so loved and cared for. Just wish she didn't live in South Dakota!

The Four Agreements

Cindy's Adoption blog today was about kids "not loving you." I'm reading a book The Four Agreements. .
It's quite interesting. I've read the book before and am in the process of re-reading it and am actually re-reading and trying to absorb the section on the Second Agreement. It states: "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." In fact it's quite egotistical to believe that someone's actions is because of you. This idea actually tags onto the idea I wrote about a few weeks ago. If I have multiply choices in how I will act/react in a given situation, so do others. Therefore their actions are based on their choices, not me. This agreement is hard to digest sometimes because I so want to say, "But, if so and so hadn't have done whatever, I would have reacted differently." But then that's stating that my actions are not under my control.
Especially in the role of parent or teacher, kids often see us as Charles Schultz portrayed adults in Charlie Brown: faceless identities that squawk at them. We are "parent" or "teacher" not a person. It is a joy when a child grows beyond seeing us simply as the role we have and instead sees us as a unique person, but in reality, while living at home, that rarely happens.



The Four Agreements TM

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Get Me to the Church on Time

Settling back into a routine now that we've returned home has helped deal with the pain of losing John. I find myself constantly remembering all the things from last week, and then remembering John, when he was an angel and when he irritated me to no end. I guess coming from a family of 8 kids, family funerals will always end with some interesting stories. Hubby and I have the story of driving to Ellen's funeral (Tampa to DC). We originally left Tampa at noon on Saturday (the girls being 5 and 3 yrs old). Unfortunately, an hour north of Tampa the fuel pump on our van broke. Fortunately, a rest stop was literally right there and we pulled into the parking lot to call AAA. Fortunately, AAA said they could send a tow-truck out immediately. Unfortunately, they sent it to the wrong rest-stop (south of Tampa, instead of north of Tampa). Unfortunately it took 4 hours for the tow truck to finally arrive. Fortunately, our mechanic works out of the north part of town and we had our van towed to his shop. Fortunately, Hubby's cousin met us there and we were able to transfer everything from the van to his car. Unfortunately, we didn't have a vehicle to drive to DC. Fortunately, Hubby's cousin and his family fed us dinner as Hubby and cousin went and got us a van from a rental company. Fortunately, we were able to get on the road at 7pm. Unfortunately, the girls were already tired of travelling and we hadn't left town yet! Somehow we made it to Maryland (where we were staying with friends) in time to drop the girls off, take a quick shower and change and get to the viewing at the funeral home at 6 or 7pm the next night. Kevin hadn't heard that story until last week. [Well, I wasn't going to tell him the story at his wife's funeral...we made it...that's what counted.]
My brother, Mark from California had an even more harrowing experience getting to John's funeral. Planning to arrive late the night before John's funeral, he left home early that morning. Everything was going fine until he arrived at Dulles Airport (DC area). All flights were cancelled because of storms. The next flight was at 10:30 the following morning (John's funeral was at 10 am). So after hours of standing in line to find his luggage, rent a car (the last one on the lot), he drove the 500 miles from Dulles to Sumter. Stopping to change clothes at my parents' house, he arrived sometime after the funeral began, but made it! John was remembered as someone who got things done...a hard worker...determined and deligent. Those qualities are easily seen in all my brothers (and my dad). There's a reason he was like that...he had great examples.

Father's Day

Today I'm thinking of my dad and how this day must be so hard for him. Someone at the funeral told Hubby that there is a special word for a man who has lost his wife, widower, and a special word for a child who has lost their parents, orphan, but there is no word to describe a parent who has lost a child. Could it be that we just don't want to have to name this indescribable situation?...a parent who's lost a child to death. I can't begin to imagine a Mother's Day without one of my girls. How do you celebrate a day that points out your loss? I know my dad loves all the rest of us and welcomes our celebration of him as our dad, but there still has to be an empty spot in his heart as he misses John (and Chris).

John's funeral was beautiful. I think he would have liked it. Elaine, my oldest sister, was a gem all week. She took care of everyone and everything. She captured John's spirit perfectly in her eulogy. John's little church was packed to overflowing. How comforting to me to see all those people. His high school football coach, Coach Geddings was there. Our high school teacher, Mrs. DuBose came to the visitation the night before. I can't possibly list all those whose presence eased my pain. Cindy showing up was amazing.

I find words evading me. But I am thankful for all the cards and condolences sent my way.

Dealing with Death

Me hugging John (1966)

John and my brother Chris (1969 or 1970)

John and The Imp 1998


John and Hubby last summer

Funny how my last entry was about attitude. That your contentment/happiness in life is determined by the choices you make rather than by the circumstances of your life.

I've been given the opportunity to live out my words. My brother, John, died on Saturday. Exhausted from dealing with ALS, he simply didn't have the energy left to wake up after a nap. ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's Disease) causes the body to become paralyzed bit by bit. Eventually the diaphragm is paralyzed and breathing ceases. So here I am faced with heart-breaking circumstances...the death of my brother. The tears have readily fallen. The anguish of knowing I will never see that twinkle in his eye as a sly smile crosses his face when he's pulling someone's leg is so strong at times it's like a physical punch in the stomach. My heart breaks thinking of his wonderfully amazing wife and her grief. Yet behind all the pain and immediate grief, I'm okay. I believe John is with God. I believe that he continues to live both in heaven and in our memories. It is my loss, not worry or concern about John, that has me reaching for yet another tissue as the tears seem to simply seap out of my eyes.

Nike may have coined the phrase "Just Do It," but John lived it each and every day of his life. How can I not miss that? I am saddened that my daughters won't have him to talk to as they continue to grow, because he offered a special insight into life, so different from my own, yet enriching to them. I am saddened that our nephews, Christopher and Andrew (4 yrs and 19 months) won't remember him. Christopher and John were buds.

My sadness is for the world's loss. A great and beautiful soul is no longer walking on the earth. So my attitude must be to work even harder at making the world a good place to help conteract the loss by John's death.

John's obituary

Devotional

My devotion today was so right on that I had to share it.

The good life-- the on that truly satisfies -- exists only when we stop wanting a better one. It is the condition of savoring what IS rather than longing for what might be. The itch for things, the lust for more -- so brilliantly injected by those who peddle them -- is a virus draining our souls of happy contentment. Have you noticed? A man never earns enough. A woman is never beautiful enough. Clothes are never fashionable enough. Cars are never nice enough. Gadgets
are never modern enough. Houses are never furnished enough. Food is never fancy enough. Relationships are never romantic enough. Life is never full enough.

Satisfaction comes when we step off the escalator of desire and say, 'This is enough. What I have will do . What I make of it is up to me and my vital union with the living Lord.'

from Wisdom For the Way: Wise Words for Busy People

I love the expression "step off the escalator of desire." How true. This reminds me of a push Oprah had a few years back: to have an attitude of gratitude. We all have tapes running in our heads. "You did that well." "Should've kept your mouth shut." "You can do this." or "You're just stupid." "How come I don't have (whatever)?" "Everyone else has more." "I deserve more." We can change our tapes if we want. Starting each day by thanking God for 5 things (I'm alive could be #1. I am loved by God a good #2) and ending each day the same way, changes the tapes we tend to play for ourselves during the day. If we are cognisant that all comes from God and if we are thankful for what we have, it is pretty easy to be content and stay off the escalator of desire (I really like that...can you tell?). My first year teaching (amazingly 21 years ago), I taught with a group of 5 other young women (like me...most a few years older than me but all under 30) and we ate lunch together. Each day the other 5 women would begin to describe all that was wrong with their husbands. After a few weeks, I began to notice all that was wrong with MY husband and I began to feel angry at my husband (he hadn't changed at all...just my attitude/focus). Their comments and focus had me looking for how my husband wasn't good enough. I enjoyed the company of these women when they weren't discussing their hubbies so I began to interject positive things my hubby did. If they complained about the toothpaste tube being squeezed from the middle, I'd say, "Oh, I'm so lucky. Hubby never does that." If they'd complained about their hubbies not helping in the kitchen, I'd say, "Oh, Hubby always helps me" or "Oh, we have a deal, Hubby NEVER does that. I'm picky and I won't let him near the stove. But he does all the clothes folding. I'm happy with our deal." They didn't have a good response so the conversation usually went to a new topic. But after actively describing how wonderful my hubby was to these women, I SAW him as wonderful. So over a period of a month I went from being content with my hubby, to being angry with him for all his shortcomings, to thinking he was the best thing since sliced bread. He hadn't done anything differently...it was all in my attitude and my focus. Was I looking for the good or was I looking for the bad. Watch what you think and say. Words are powerful. Keep telling yourself your life is terrible and I guarantee, no matter what your circumstances, your life will be terrible. Tell yourself that your life is great and low and behold...it is. As a teacher I saw this phenomenon much too often. Students labelled as troublemakers or underachievers or whatever. They became their labels. If you go into any successful classroom, you will see a teacher looking for and finding the good in their students. Watch your words/thoughts...they are very powerful.