50

I will be 50 years old on this Saturday.  That sounds much older than I feel: physically or emotionally.  I can remember being 25, 30 or even 35 and thinking that by the time I'd hit the ripe ol' age of 50 I would be mature and have things all figured out.  Not sure why I thought that, as even then I was surprised at how as I knew more I knew how little I knew.  
We will celebrate in a low key way, which if you knew me and my family, is a little surprising.  But with everything else that has gone on this year, it's the right thing to do.  Besides, Hubby went all out celebrating my 40th.  I turned 40 mere months after my brother John was diagnosed with ALS.  This coming a short year after my brother, Chris, was killed in a car accident.  How fragile life was could not be ignored.  Hubby and I had discussed how we fail to tell people how much they mean to us, and then heap praises on them at their funerals.  What a waste.  So Hubby contacted friends and family far and wide and asked them to write to me and tell me how much I meant to them.  What a gift!  If you have someone special in your life (and especially if their Love Language is Words of Affirmation) this is a great idea.  I spent hours reading about my impact on others' lives.  Wow.  
It's 10 years later.  John is gone, as is my dad and Hubby's dad, and numerous friends.  And I find myself constantly trying to balance "Live like today is your last day" and "Be prepared to live to 100".  Not always easy.  But my brothers' deaths at a young age does have me working harder to share with others how much they mean to me.  
So I'll be 50.  Seems like I should know where I am going more than I do.  When I make a jigsaw puzzle (a favorite activity) I constantly check the picture.  When Hubby and I were first married, he said I was cheating.  I was amazed that people made puzzles without looking at the picture.  Well my life is now like making a jigsaw puzzle without the finished picture in mind.  Each day I pick up the pieces I have near me and try to fit them to each other and fit them into the puzzle that is my life so there is indeed a recognizable picture.  But I have no idea what the finished product will be.  Drives me absolutely crazy!  'Guess this is where trusting God comes in.  For a control freak like me, not exactly my strong suit.
There is nothing special about turning 50.  Nothing magical will happen to me on Saturday (although wouldn't it be nice if my fairy godmother came and bestowed on me wisdom and grace).  Turning 50 will be no different than turning 49 years 364 days.  Changes come through my effort and not through mere passage of time.

Power of Songs

I am so thankful the amazing Christian music groups.  Their songs help me so much.  They offer comfort, and hope; remind me of God's love for me; challenge me to live a better life.  I can't count the number of times a phrase from a song comes to mind as I encounter things throughout the day.  I get fixated on certain songs at different times.  I just figure I need to hear the message of those songs.  
The first time I heard (or actually listened to the words of) Laura Story's Blessings was the week my dad went into the hospital.  In fact, it was within the hour after Brian had called to tell me Dad was admitted to the hospital.  

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, 

protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, 

for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, 

we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home'

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the achings of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

"What if the greatest disappointments ... is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy." That line is one that keeps resonating with me, as well as, "...pain reminds this heart that this in not, this is not our home..."  Definitely a line I cling to when I'm missing my dad.

The title song from the movie Courageous, by Casting Crowns (one of my all-time favorite groups) keeps coming to mind.  "Where are you men of courage," I always want to answer that my dad was a man of courage and in fact exemplified the phrase. I wanted to include this somehow in the eulogy I gave, but just couldn't get my brain to work well enough to do that. 

We were made to be courageous
We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains

We were made to be courageous
We were made to be courageous

We were warriors on the front lines
Standing, unafraid
But now we're watchers on the sidelines
While our families slip away

Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more
Let the pounding of our hearts cry
We will serve the lord

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

This is our resolution
Our answer to the call
We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall

We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside
May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of god arise

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees, with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your god

Seek justice. love mercy
Walk humbly with your god

In the war of the mind I will make my stand (seek justice. love mercy. walk humbly with your god)
In the battle of the heart and the battle of the hand (seek justice. love mercy. walk humbly with your god)

In the war of the mind I will make my stand (seek justice. love mercy. walk humbly with your god)
In the battle of the heart and the battle of the hand (seek justice. love mercy. walk humbly with your god)

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees, with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

We were made to be courageous
In the war of the mind I will make my stand (seek justice. love mercy. walk humbly with your god)

Might just have to watch Courageous tonight.  Awesome movie.  And thinking of the great movies made by Sherwood Production, reminds me how much the hospital in Sumter reminded me of scenes from the fictional hospital in Fireproof.  

Today is filled with house-cleaning, laundry and ironing.  And good Christian music in the background feeding my soul.