Predicting Consequences

Our Engaged Encounter weekend was great! There were 22 couples and I was amazed at the spirituality of the group as a whole. There have been weekends that the animosity emanating from the couples because their priest "made them come" is its own entity in the room. I had more people seek me out individually to thank me for my time and sharing. That usually means they listened and at least were open to what was being said.

The down side of the weekend was the cafeteria. We hold the weekend at a college conference center. (We would love to give them at a retreat center but the one that is close by is booked a year in advance and because it is in demand is actually more expensive then the college. The diocese is in the process of building a retreat center due to open in 2010, I think. I can't wait). Apparently the college kids just got out and the campus was relatively empty, and we seemed to be the only group using the cafeteria. The workers were late for opening for every meal but the real problem were rodents! Yes, rodents. Saturday morning at our first meal, there were multiple traps set underneath the salad bar. The was a rodent caught in one of the (it appeared to be almost rat-sized) and it was still alive. Talk about unappetizing. After being told a worker removed the trapped rat. After that about 1/2 the couples just left campus for meals. Surprisingly they did not complain to us about having to pay for meals they really already paid for in the cost of the weekend. Sunday morning as we were walking to the cafeteria we saw a worker stepping out a back door with another trapped rat! Ugh!
Usually the food at this college is actually very good and mealtime is something to look forward to. Not this weekend.

Arriving home exhausted, as we always do after a weekend, Hubby and I got to deal with a major drama in the Singer's life (I'm not sure how major it will ultimately be, but it's very major to her at this time). Not wanting to go into details to protect the guilty, the fiasco and discussion following has me wondering how we ever know if what we do as parents is right. The Singer's strong self-esteem concerning certain talents she has, combined with her self-perception of lacking in the popularity-race has her making some decisions I'm afraid she will regret later. At 16, belonging universally is a strong motivator. I see so clearly that she doesn't understand the idea of "unknown consequences" and wonder if we have contributed to this by repeatedly stating the consequences of poor choices before hand. "If you don't pick up your toys you will have them taken away." "If you don't clear your plate properly, you have to do the dishes alone." "If you...then you." Has that given her a sense that she can predict the consequences of her choices ahead of time? I tried to tell her that she can't predict all the consequences. Using the example of drunk driving (and no, that is not the current issue with her), you don't know who else will be on the road, their driving abilities, if a cop will stop you (consequence being a ticket as opposed to an accident), and so on. I then tried to explain the "hidden" consequences. If someone hears about the poor decision, their opinion of you could change. If that person is in a position of authority you could limit your choices. For example, someone may be thinking of offering a job or opportunity and upon finding out about a poor decision could decide not to. You may never know about that missed opportunity. The Singer was complaining about her "good Catholic girl" reputation, and how it limits her social invitations, yet she doesn't realize how good her life is because of that reputation. Her was offered her summer job due to her reputation. Our friend needs a good, reliable, responsible person. Without her reputation, the job wouldn't have been offered. She raised money to go to Music Ministry Alive. Many of the people who gave money, gave because the Singer has a reputation at our church of being responsible and spiritual. They believe their money will be well-spent on her. She, herself, has commented how she has been given "second chances" from teachers who are not known for their leniency because of her reputation. She was "chastised" by an adult in front of her peers for some behavior and she felt like it was because she's not allowed to make any mistakes ("My reputation makes adults demand more of me than others"). I laughed. My dear, sweet, naive little girl, you were chastised because you did something wrong. This is what happens. She is so use to being given a nice reminder or whatever she's not use to being publicly reprimanded. She was indignant, believing that adult shouldn't have done it! Being an accomplished 16 year old has gone to her head. Any adult supervising you has the right to reprimand you, dear. And you need to accept it! She's not going to be happy when I walk her up to that adult when we see her next and make her apologize publicly. Where humiliation just to humiliate is not something I advocate, when someone is getting to big for their britches, practice in humility is required. I spent much time during the night mulling over whether this is a blip or a sign of things to come. I don't want to make too much of it, but I don't want to let something get out of hand. Some of the thoughts she shared with us last night were surprising to me.
Cindy, my sister-in-law (once removed), has been blogging of the lack of appreciation by some of her adopted children. She mentions that she realizes they have been "cheated" out of some of the things that children should just have (love, care, food, etc), but that while that may explain some of their actions it doesn't necessarily excuse the actions. My thought as I read her entry today was "The Singer has NO REASON for this! She has had unconditional love, support, time, yada, yada, yada her entire life. Obviously the Singer's issues don't enter the realm of serious issues of older children adoption, but a certain amount of the behavior is because they are teenagers and as Michael J Bradley said, "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" The Singer acts so mature so much of the time, it is easy to forget that she is only 16, but oh how I wish I could convince her that my experiences have given me certain insights she doesn't possess.
I spent the day in the county courthouse having been summoned for jury duty. I don't really mind. As a social studies teacher the democratic process is something to marvel at and is really cool. I wasn't selected to sit on a jury, but both judges I saw today stated emphatically that people serving on juries is necessary for our government to function well. I love that patriotic stuff!