I began today very melancholy. I was missing my little brother, John, terribly. I don't know what set it off, today is not any kind of anniversary or special day. But I just felt very sad that I would never see him again. When I get this way, I feel the hole in my heart that was created when he died. It is a very real (almost physical) feeling...that something vital is missing.
I began thinking of when John was first diagnosed with ALS. We talked for quite awhile on the idea of "fighting" a disease. Both of us agreed we didn't really like that expression. The disease simply is. It is not fighting you...it just is. The battle is not with the disease, the battle is about living. And thinking of that, cheered me somewhat, and made the hole in my heart a little smaller. I remembered John's famous saying about football (and life) .""As long as there is a second left on the clock and you're behind, there's something you can do to win," he said. "Even if you lose, you take the lessons and apply them to the next game.". John may have died much too young, but trust me, he did not lose. He left many lessons that we can take with us in the rest of our journey through life.
I've also spent a lot of time the last few days thinking about what 'freedom' really means. Gus Lloyd's reflection yesterday really got me thinking. I do believe that we are the best we can be...the most fulfilled...the most free...achieve the most...are in fact happiest, when we listen to God. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve committed the sin of wanting to be god-like..to eat from the tree of good and evil so they would know all that God knew. This full knowledge, has us seeing the truth about ourselves, our "nakedness." We are scared to turn ourselves fully to God because we fear the outcome. Not just the fear that God may ask of us something we don't like, but more the fear that God may reject us in that nakedness. If we present our all and are rejected....ooh. I believe this fear of rejection is because we feel unworthy of this magnificent love and we reject Him before He can reject us. As Christians, we "know" that God will not reject us,in fact, Jesus demonstrated that quite emphatically. But our feelings of unworthiness make it difficult for us to act on our belief that God loves unconditionally. When people in our lives let us down, it chips away at our belief that "anybody" could really loves us no matter what. On days I am able to give myself over to God, I may "work harder" and face things I don't really want to, but ultimately I feel more content and feel my heart complete.
