Pool Time

Yesterday, Hubby and I spent hours scrubbing down the pool cage and deck. It was fun working together. Today we got to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We took our books out, climbed on a raft and read in the sun. The girls came out later and we had fun splashing and generally goofing off.
This is late for us to be "openning the pool for the season." But the temperatures have fluctuated so much over the past month, the weekend and good weather hadn't coinsided.
This is what Sundays are all about. Went to church and heard my daughters sing. Came home and enjoyed the afternoon relaxing and preparing for another week.

Preparing for College

Here are two recent articles about preparing students for college. The Essential Cognitive Backpack, and Schoolteachers, Professors Differ on What Students Should Know. The qualities being described as necessary for college success are qualities that would lead to success in any endeavor. As a teacher, I have always felt like we try to get students to memorize too much without enough analysis. As a middle and high school teacher, I felt like I needed to teach students HOW to find information and HOW to attach it to existing knowledge. The first article references knowing your learning style. As educators we know so much about learning styles, I think it is something every ninth grader should be taught. Students should be an active participant in their learning. Knowing whether flash cards, diagrams and graphs or reading aloud helps you retain information is a must. Too many students waste time on activities that don't help them remember/learn and then get frustrated with the process and give up. At the beginning of each quarter I would have my students fill out a survey of sorts. I would ask if they were satisfied with their grade from the previous quarter and what they would do to maintain or improve it. Inevitably, over 1/2 the students would write "I will study harder." I would then ask, what does that look like? If I had a video cam in your house, how would I know you were studying harder? I asked if it I could judge whether they were studying harder by how long their text or notebooks were openned. Then I would talk about re-reading notes, making note cards, turning the TV off, etc. I tried to expose my students to learning styles and the idea that they needed to take control of their learning, but I did also have a curriculum to teach, so could only spend so much time on it. When I taught in a private school in Maryland I developed a study skills course (1/2 the class was in an enrichment program and I had the other half). Determining learning styles was key. If reading comprehension is not a strength, re-reading a chapter the night before a test is a waste of time and energy. Schools are so worried about teaching content that they miss the boat in teaching process and in recognizing that we actually teach students....people who are all different. I always saw a class full of students as a challenge. What can I do to help these kids succeed, not just in Social Studies, but in life?

Predicting Consequences

Our Engaged Encounter weekend was great! There were 22 couples and I was amazed at the spirituality of the group as a whole. There have been weekends that the animosity emanating from the couples because their priest "made them come" is its own entity in the room. I had more people seek me out individually to thank me for my time and sharing. That usually means they listened and at least were open to what was being said.

The down side of the weekend was the cafeteria. We hold the weekend at a college conference center. (We would love to give them at a retreat center but the one that is close by is booked a year in advance and because it is in demand is actually more expensive then the college. The diocese is in the process of building a retreat center due to open in 2010, I think. I can't wait). Apparently the college kids just got out and the campus was relatively empty, and we seemed to be the only group using the cafeteria. The workers were late for opening for every meal but the real problem were rodents! Yes, rodents. Saturday morning at our first meal, there were multiple traps set underneath the salad bar. The was a rodent caught in one of the (it appeared to be almost rat-sized) and it was still alive. Talk about unappetizing. After being told a worker removed the trapped rat. After that about 1/2 the couples just left campus for meals. Surprisingly they did not complain to us about having to pay for meals they really already paid for in the cost of the weekend. Sunday morning as we were walking to the cafeteria we saw a worker stepping out a back door with another trapped rat! Ugh!
Usually the food at this college is actually very good and mealtime is something to look forward to. Not this weekend.

Arriving home exhausted, as we always do after a weekend, Hubby and I got to deal with a major drama in the Singer's life (I'm not sure how major it will ultimately be, but it's very major to her at this time). Not wanting to go into details to protect the guilty, the fiasco and discussion following has me wondering how we ever know if what we do as parents is right. The Singer's strong self-esteem concerning certain talents she has, combined with her self-perception of lacking in the popularity-race has her making some decisions I'm afraid she will regret later. At 16, belonging universally is a strong motivator. I see so clearly that she doesn't understand the idea of "unknown consequences" and wonder if we have contributed to this by repeatedly stating the consequences of poor choices before hand. "If you don't pick up your toys you will have them taken away." "If you don't clear your plate properly, you have to do the dishes alone." "If you...then you." Has that given her a sense that she can predict the consequences of her choices ahead of time? I tried to tell her that she can't predict all the consequences. Using the example of drunk driving (and no, that is not the current issue with her), you don't know who else will be on the road, their driving abilities, if a cop will stop you (consequence being a ticket as opposed to an accident), and so on. I then tried to explain the "hidden" consequences. If someone hears about the poor decision, their opinion of you could change. If that person is in a position of authority you could limit your choices. For example, someone may be thinking of offering a job or opportunity and upon finding out about a poor decision could decide not to. You may never know about that missed opportunity. The Singer was complaining about her "good Catholic girl" reputation, and how it limits her social invitations, yet she doesn't realize how good her life is because of that reputation. Her was offered her summer job due to her reputation. Our friend needs a good, reliable, responsible person. Without her reputation, the job wouldn't have been offered. She raised money to go to Music Ministry Alive. Many of the people who gave money, gave because the Singer has a reputation at our church of being responsible and spiritual. They believe their money will be well-spent on her. She, herself, has commented how she has been given "second chances" from teachers who are not known for their leniency because of her reputation. She was "chastised" by an adult in front of her peers for some behavior and she felt like it was because she's not allowed to make any mistakes ("My reputation makes adults demand more of me than others"). I laughed. My dear, sweet, naive little girl, you were chastised because you did something wrong. This is what happens. She is so use to being given a nice reminder or whatever she's not use to being publicly reprimanded. She was indignant, believing that adult shouldn't have done it! Being an accomplished 16 year old has gone to her head. Any adult supervising you has the right to reprimand you, dear. And you need to accept it! She's not going to be happy when I walk her up to that adult when we see her next and make her apologize publicly. Where humiliation just to humiliate is not something I advocate, when someone is getting to big for their britches, practice in humility is required. I spent much time during the night mulling over whether this is a blip or a sign of things to come. I don't want to make too much of it, but I don't want to let something get out of hand. Some of the thoughts she shared with us last night were surprising to me.
Cindy, my sister-in-law (once removed), has been blogging of the lack of appreciation by some of her adopted children. She mentions that she realizes they have been "cheated" out of some of the things that children should just have (love, care, food, etc), but that while that may explain some of their actions it doesn't necessarily excuse the actions. My thought as I read her entry today was "The Singer has NO REASON for this! She has had unconditional love, support, time, yada, yada, yada her entire life. Obviously the Singer's issues don't enter the realm of serious issues of older children adoption, but a certain amount of the behavior is because they are teenagers and as Michael J Bradley said, "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" The Singer acts so mature so much of the time, it is easy to forget that she is only 16, but oh how I wish I could convince her that my experiences have given me certain insights she doesn't possess.
I spent the day in the county courthouse having been summoned for jury duty. I don't really mind. As a social studies teacher the democratic process is something to marvel at and is really cool. I wasn't selected to sit on a jury, but both judges I saw today stated emphatically that people serving on juries is necessary for our government to function well. I love that patriotic stuff!

Preparing for Marriage

The Singer is off in Orlando for a Spanish competition that began yesterday afternoon and runs through tomorrow. She just called to tell me that she has completed her impromptu speaking and her play presentation and is essentially off the rest of the day. She and her pals are having a good time sitting out at the pool.

Hubby and I are getting ready to go present a retreat weekend to engaged couples (Engaged Encounter). It is one of our favorite things to do (once we get there). We spent about 6 months writing our talks. Basically we follow an outline about key ideas (you have to know yourself before sharing yourself with someone else, you have to communicate, how you "fight" is as important as what you fight about, you need God in your life to have a sacramental marriage, etc). We had to find examples from our own relationship that supports those truisms (whether because we did things right or the trouble caused by doing the opposite). We've been doing this ministry for over 16 years. I believe it has kept our marriage stable and healthy. There have been many times when Hubby and I have headed off to a weekend upset with each other and barely talking. Somehow reading about our love helps bring it back to the forefront. The fact that we have a lot of time on the weekend to talk with each other without interruptions helps too. It is exciting to share a weekend with 20-23 couples who are in-love. Things are different than when we got married 23 years ago, but they are also very much the same. Respect, love, honesty. These are not qualities that change over time. They are key ingredients to any relationship. Fear of abandonment is a common fear for children and adults. I am blessed because I really don't fear Hubby ever leaving me. Whatever happens we'll stick it out. I may drive him crazy, he may irritate me to no end, but we both trust that we are loved by the other and that God is on our side. With those basic principals as our foundation we'll make it, and thrive.
The hardest part of doing the weekends has always been finding someone to watch the girls. It's not that people aren't willing or that our girls are too much trouble, but it is difficult to entrust your kids to someone else. When we first started doing the weekends, the Singer was less than a year old. At that time I lived near my brother, his wife and his daughter (a little more than a year older than the Singer). I was hesitant the first time we left the Singer with them, but after that it was pretty easy. My sister-in-law loved the Singer and the cousins got along great. When the Singer was just shy of 2 years old, we had to do a retreat and my sister-in-law potty-trained the Singer over the weekend (I had begun the process, but with an older cousin to impress, the Singer was really motivated!). Once the Imp was born, being able to leave the girls together was comforting. I knew the Singer would watch out for the Imp and that the Imp would feel safe with the Singer around. I believe these separations have made it easier for me to let go as the girls have grown and I think it's helped them feel safe without Mom and Dad always there. We used to present at 2-3 weekends a year. Now we do about 1 a year. Family is the foundation of our world. I believe I'm helping to create healthy families for tomorrow and it feels good.

Are You Getting Your Money's Worth?

People frequently ask me if the school I send the Imp to is a "good school." It's a Catholic school and I think often they want to know if I'm "getting my money's worth." I picked this school for it's character, not for its academics. The academics are adequate and in many areas very good. With the huge public school system here, the academic opportunities would be much greater for the Imp at a public school. She would definitely be in the Gifted Program. But acquiring the most knowledge in the shortest amount of time is not the goal I have for my daughters. Every week the principal (a Salesian sister) sends home a letter to the parents. It is more than a bulletin of what is happening. It often is sharing of values and philosophies. The following came home yesterday. This is why I send the Imp to this school.

It is with heavy hearts that we return from Easter vacation following the tragedy at VA Tech University. It is almost 8 years to the day that 13 students were killed at Columbine H.S. Kids killing kids...how does this happen and how can it be prevented? What makes kids "implode"? Is it evil or mental illness?

There are so many questions that we can ask ourselves after the fact, but maybe this tragedy offers us the opportunity as parents, teachers, administrators, counselors, etc. to reflect on our responsibility to the children God has entrusted to our care. We carry an awesome responsibility.

Do we give kids time? Do we offer them faith and reasons to hope? Do we give them experiences of true love where they feel safe and nurtured? Do we pray with our children and for our children? Do we spend TIME with them, allowing THEM to talk and share their feelings? [emphasis mine]
Do we allow them to feel positive about themselves and look positively at
others? Do we teach them to respect others and empathize with others who
have less or feel different? Do we hold them accountable for their actions
and discipline them when necessary? Do we set boundaries and routines for
them so they know what to expect? Do we teach them inclusion and not exclusion?
Do we teach them how to deal with their feelings and emotions? Do we give them
good example and positive role models? Are our kids peaceful and happy with the
simple things in life?

Or do we place unrealistic expectations and pressures on our children? Do we replace our time and affection with money and things? Do we spend more time comparing our kids against other kids rather than appreciate them for who they are and help them be the best they can be? Do we avoid facing the problems our kids may have and finding them the help they may need? Do we know where our kids are when they're not with us? Do we know where their friends are and where they "hang out"? Do we know what they are reading, writing, e-mailing, researching on the Internet, looking at on TV and movies, listening to on ipods? Do we ever notice if our kids are lonely, troubled, quiet, with few friends, depressed with life itself?

St. John Bosco (the founder of the Salesians) was a man ahead of his times and understood kids. His educational system of reason, religion and loving kindness lived in a family spirit tells exactly what our kids and all kids need, especially in this day and age...truth, honesty, faith, love, friendship, and most importantly FAMILY! [emphasis mine]

With every tragedy there will be unanswered questions and regrets. Maybe it is time to simply stop and listen to what our kids are telling us....more often by their actions than their words...and LOVE THEM.

These are not just words to Sr. Kim. She believes them and lives them and is such a great leader. Yea, I think I get my money's worth.

Today is the anniversary of my sister-in-law's (Ellen) death. It still amazes me the impact she has had on my life. I knew her for a very few years really. But I still miss her and think of her and am thankful I did know her and am thankful for the example of "good living" she was.
Without faith, I'm not sure how I would handle death. We need to teach our kids our faith, and do all we can to connect them with God. Without God, life is depressing and hopeless and meaningless. Without God Ellen's death and the death of the 32 at VA Tech have little meaning. With God, goodness can come from this pain. And there is great hope because we already know the end of the story... Good wins! Evil loses!

Easter

It's been awhile since I've written. The girls were off last week for Easter Break. The week before was Holy Week and was an incredible experience for me. Thursday began the Triduum. As any church, my church has its problems, but we do liturgy right. The liturgies of the Triduum are truly moving and spiritual. The girls sang at Holy Thursday Mass, Good Friday service and the Easter Vigil. I love Easter Vigil and am thrilled that the girls really like it and get so much out of it. There is no persuasion needed to get them to Easter Vigil, even though it typically is 3+ hours long. The Mass begins outside and the lighting of the Easter fire. Then the Paschal candle is lit and the candle is processed into a dark church. Everyone in church has a small candle and the Paschal candle is used to light these candles. The church lights up very quickly. It's beautiful and a great way to begin the celebration of Easter. Then we have a number of Bible readings in the dark. Then the church is decorated (flowers and more flowers are brought out to decorate the altar and the baptismal font). When the lights go on, it is a spectacular sight. The church was barren on Good Friday (no holy water, cross covered, no greenery or flowers). Then we have baptisms. We have an immersion font, so our pastor walks into the font and then each baptismal candidate is baptized in turn. We had 14 baptisms this year. It is wonderful to see the looks of happiness on their faces as they emerge and to see the joy on their families' faces. After Mass there is always a reception for the newly baptized and confirmed in our hall and even though it was 11:30 PM by the time we got to the hall, there were many people still enjoying the reception. The Singer got up at 5:30 the next morning to sing at the sunrise service. It was the first year she attended this Mass (which is held in our prayer garden). She loved it and talked about how the sun rose throughout the Mass and it felt like resurrection and new birth. What a great Easter. To have my faith, my husband, my girls and to know they to have faith. I think we're very blessed because I know that both of my parents and Hubby's parents pray for all of us each day. That's quite a comfort.

Good Friday saw me desperately finishing up sewing a bolero-type jacket to wear with my Easter dress. It turned out fine and the Singer wants me to sew her one, too.

Last week we spent 2 days traipsing across the state to look at colleges. Fortunately or unfortunately the two colleges we spent time at both had much to offer. I think the Singer would do well at either. One (UCF) is huge (42,000) and has lots to offer in the sense of variety and opportunity. The other (UNF) is small (16,000) and has a phenomenal business department (the Singer may want to open her own business) but not a great music program. It's a beautiful campus set amidst beautiful trees and 10 minutes from the beach (more a plus to me than the Singer). It has an indoor swimming pool and a good intramural program in swimming. The Imp like UNF better and told the Singer she should go to UCF and leave UNF for the Imp.

Sewing

I have a nice sundress that I really like but I would prefer to wear it with a sweater or jacket when I go to church. So I went out and bought a pattern for a bolero-type jacket to make a short sleeve white jacket to wear with my dress on Easter. The pattern looked easy. (I know, you can't go by looks.) I've done some sewing and felt confident that I could whip this out in a day or two. That was 4 days ago! Obviously, I've not spent all-day working on it, but still. It has become a matter of pride for me to finish it. This pattern has really frustrated me. I've had a hard time following the directions and think the diagrams are pointless. It's a Butterick pattern. I've had much better success with McCalls and even Vogue. It took me literally an hour to figure out what one direction wanted me to do. I've got the vest-part of the jacket complete and now just have to do the sleeves, but once again have run into a direction I can't easily figure out. I will...eventually, but I'm giving it a break and am hoping that when I go back with fresh eyes, it will all make sense. Despite all the problems, I really like to sew and it's a great feeling to wear something you've made (especially when others don't know you made it.) I made the First Communion dress both girls wore. THAT was hard. Using satin material always makes the job harder as it likes to slide all over the place.
The weather is gorgeous and I ate my lunch out in the sun by the pool. I looked at Crape Myrtle trees this week, too. I want a purple one for my back yard. I think it'll be my Mother's Day gift but I'll get it early.
Hubby and his sister have been busily planning a surprise 60th anniversary party for his parents. His mom found out about it and said very emphatically that she wanted no part of it. It really hurt Hubby's feelings (and mine and his sister's) that she reacted the way she did. I can understand not wanting a big deal made (even though it is not my nature) and since Hubby's dad has been fighting a bone infection and dealing with some other health issues, I can understand him not wanting to have to "entertain" during a party. I think the way it was said was poor. Hubby is also disappointed because his 2 brothers who live in Seattle, WA are not making it home for the anniversary. Being from a large family is great, but with 10 kids, there are 10 very different personalities and opinions. Until yesterday I was looking forward to May 5 and the anniversary party, now I'm just looking forward to it all being over. Sad, but true.
I'm sure by the 5th I'll be in a better state. Hubby and I are flying to PA for the weekend while the girls stay home to study. The Imp's last day of school is May 17th! The Singer has exams the 18-22. Summer is just about here. YEA!!
Gonna go try to figure out this pattern and try not to scream.

Conversion

Both girls had their school plays this week. So the week was jammed packed with play practices and performances. Thank goodness, the Imp's play was during the school day and then Thursday night, while the Singer's play was Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Their both happy to have the plays finished just because they'll have more free time. The weather has been the paradise weather Florida is famous for. Slight breeze, warm (80+), sunny and low humidity (well, lower than our summer humidity of 95%). The sunshine just seems to be calling you all the time. I've been enjoying eating my lunch outside by the pool (while reading my book).
This past week we also had a mission at our church (Sun - Tues). The speaker was amazing and truly inspirational. He began saying he hoped he would make us all uncomfortable at some time during his presentations because Jesus came to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. Conversion was a big topic and how often we learn something new, but don't change our behavior. True conversion requires a change of mind and positive action. Yesterday, Hubby and I went to a day retreat on Theology of the Body (thoughts by Pope John Paul II about why we have bodies and how we should use them). It's really quite amazing. As a married woman, the Theology of the Body really helps me see my role in God's plan. It also makes me see how important the institution of marriage is and how weak it has become. A while ago I was at another get together and the priest there said the crisis in vocations was not really about priests but about married people. Without a strong family (the first church everyone knows) it is not surprising there are not more people hearing God's call. Yesterday, the priest said "as marriage goes so goes the priesthood" Same concept. I've heard so much in the last week between the mission and the retreat my head and heart are a-buzz and trying very hard to absorb it all and ultimately cause conversion in me.