The Four Agreements

Cindy's Adoption blog today was about kids "not loving you." I'm reading a book The Four Agreements. .
It's quite interesting. I've read the book before and am in the process of re-reading it and am actually re-reading and trying to absorb the section on the Second Agreement. It states: "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." In fact it's quite egotistical to believe that someone's actions is because of you. This idea actually tags onto the idea I wrote about a few weeks ago. If I have multiply choices in how I will act/react in a given situation, so do others. Therefore their actions are based on their choices, not me. This agreement is hard to digest sometimes because I so want to say, "But, if so and so hadn't have done whatever, I would have reacted differently." But then that's stating that my actions are not under my control.
Especially in the role of parent or teacher, kids often see us as Charles Schultz portrayed adults in Charlie Brown: faceless identities that squawk at them. We are "parent" or "teacher" not a person. It is a joy when a child grows beyond seeing us simply as the role we have and instead sees us as a unique person, but in reality, while living at home, that rarely happens.



The Four Agreements TM

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Get Me to the Church on Time

Settling back into a routine now that we've returned home has helped deal with the pain of losing John. I find myself constantly remembering all the things from last week, and then remembering John, when he was an angel and when he irritated me to no end. I guess coming from a family of 8 kids, family funerals will always end with some interesting stories. Hubby and I have the story of driving to Ellen's funeral (Tampa to DC). We originally left Tampa at noon on Saturday (the girls being 5 and 3 yrs old). Unfortunately, an hour north of Tampa the fuel pump on our van broke. Fortunately, a rest stop was literally right there and we pulled into the parking lot to call AAA. Fortunately, AAA said they could send a tow-truck out immediately. Unfortunately, they sent it to the wrong rest-stop (south of Tampa, instead of north of Tampa). Unfortunately it took 4 hours for the tow truck to finally arrive. Fortunately, our mechanic works out of the north part of town and we had our van towed to his shop. Fortunately, Hubby's cousin met us there and we were able to transfer everything from the van to his car. Unfortunately, we didn't have a vehicle to drive to DC. Fortunately, Hubby's cousin and his family fed us dinner as Hubby and cousin went and got us a van from a rental company. Fortunately, we were able to get on the road at 7pm. Unfortunately, the girls were already tired of travelling and we hadn't left town yet! Somehow we made it to Maryland (where we were staying with friends) in time to drop the girls off, take a quick shower and change and get to the viewing at the funeral home at 6 or 7pm the next night. Kevin hadn't heard that story until last week. [Well, I wasn't going to tell him the story at his wife's funeral...we made it...that's what counted.]
My brother, Mark from California had an even more harrowing experience getting to John's funeral. Planning to arrive late the night before John's funeral, he left home early that morning. Everything was going fine until he arrived at Dulles Airport (DC area). All flights were cancelled because of storms. The next flight was at 10:30 the following morning (John's funeral was at 10 am). So after hours of standing in line to find his luggage, rent a car (the last one on the lot), he drove the 500 miles from Dulles to Sumter. Stopping to change clothes at my parents' house, he arrived sometime after the funeral began, but made it! John was remembered as someone who got things done...a hard worker...determined and deligent. Those qualities are easily seen in all my brothers (and my dad). There's a reason he was like that...he had great examples.

Father's Day

Today I'm thinking of my dad and how this day must be so hard for him. Someone at the funeral told Hubby that there is a special word for a man who has lost his wife, widower, and a special word for a child who has lost their parents, orphan, but there is no word to describe a parent who has lost a child. Could it be that we just don't want to have to name this indescribable situation?...a parent who's lost a child to death. I can't begin to imagine a Mother's Day without one of my girls. How do you celebrate a day that points out your loss? I know my dad loves all the rest of us and welcomes our celebration of him as our dad, but there still has to be an empty spot in his heart as he misses John (and Chris).

John's funeral was beautiful. I think he would have liked it. Elaine, my oldest sister, was a gem all week. She took care of everyone and everything. She captured John's spirit perfectly in her eulogy. John's little church was packed to overflowing. How comforting to me to see all those people. His high school football coach, Coach Geddings was there. Our high school teacher, Mrs. DuBose came to the visitation the night before. I can't possibly list all those whose presence eased my pain. Cindy showing up was amazing.

I find words evading me. But I am thankful for all the cards and condolences sent my way.

Dealing with Death

Me hugging John (1966)

John and my brother Chris (1969 or 1970)

John and The Imp 1998


John and Hubby last summer

Funny how my last entry was about attitude. That your contentment/happiness in life is determined by the choices you make rather than by the circumstances of your life.

I've been given the opportunity to live out my words. My brother, John, died on Saturday. Exhausted from dealing with ALS, he simply didn't have the energy left to wake up after a nap. ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's Disease) causes the body to become paralyzed bit by bit. Eventually the diaphragm is paralyzed and breathing ceases. So here I am faced with heart-breaking circumstances...the death of my brother. The tears have readily fallen. The anguish of knowing I will never see that twinkle in his eye as a sly smile crosses his face when he's pulling someone's leg is so strong at times it's like a physical punch in the stomach. My heart breaks thinking of his wonderfully amazing wife and her grief. Yet behind all the pain and immediate grief, I'm okay. I believe John is with God. I believe that he continues to live both in heaven and in our memories. It is my loss, not worry or concern about John, that has me reaching for yet another tissue as the tears seem to simply seap out of my eyes.

Nike may have coined the phrase "Just Do It," but John lived it each and every day of his life. How can I not miss that? I am saddened that my daughters won't have him to talk to as they continue to grow, because he offered a special insight into life, so different from my own, yet enriching to them. I am saddened that our nephews, Christopher and Andrew (4 yrs and 19 months) won't remember him. Christopher and John were buds.

My sadness is for the world's loss. A great and beautiful soul is no longer walking on the earth. So my attitude must be to work even harder at making the world a good place to help conteract the loss by John's death.

John's obituary

Devotional

My devotion today was so right on that I had to share it.

The good life-- the on that truly satisfies -- exists only when we stop wanting a better one. It is the condition of savoring what IS rather than longing for what might be. The itch for things, the lust for more -- so brilliantly injected by those who peddle them -- is a virus draining our souls of happy contentment. Have you noticed? A man never earns enough. A woman is never beautiful enough. Clothes are never fashionable enough. Cars are never nice enough. Gadgets
are never modern enough. Houses are never furnished enough. Food is never fancy enough. Relationships are never romantic enough. Life is never full enough.

Satisfaction comes when we step off the escalator of desire and say, 'This is enough. What I have will do . What I make of it is up to me and my vital union with the living Lord.'

from Wisdom For the Way: Wise Words for Busy People

I love the expression "step off the escalator of desire." How true. This reminds me of a push Oprah had a few years back: to have an attitude of gratitude. We all have tapes running in our heads. "You did that well." "Should've kept your mouth shut." "You can do this." or "You're just stupid." "How come I don't have (whatever)?" "Everyone else has more." "I deserve more." We can change our tapes if we want. Starting each day by thanking God for 5 things (I'm alive could be #1. I am loved by God a good #2) and ending each day the same way, changes the tapes we tend to play for ourselves during the day. If we are cognisant that all comes from God and if we are thankful for what we have, it is pretty easy to be content and stay off the escalator of desire (I really like that...can you tell?). My first year teaching (amazingly 21 years ago), I taught with a group of 5 other young women (like me...most a few years older than me but all under 30) and we ate lunch together. Each day the other 5 women would begin to describe all that was wrong with their husbands. After a few weeks, I began to notice all that was wrong with MY husband and I began to feel angry at my husband (he hadn't changed at all...just my attitude/focus). Their comments and focus had me looking for how my husband wasn't good enough. I enjoyed the company of these women when they weren't discussing their hubbies so I began to interject positive things my hubby did. If they complained about the toothpaste tube being squeezed from the middle, I'd say, "Oh, I'm so lucky. Hubby never does that." If they'd complained about their hubbies not helping in the kitchen, I'd say, "Oh, Hubby always helps me" or "Oh, we have a deal, Hubby NEVER does that. I'm picky and I won't let him near the stove. But he does all the clothes folding. I'm happy with our deal." They didn't have a good response so the conversation usually went to a new topic. But after actively describing how wonderful my hubby was to these women, I SAW him as wonderful. So over a period of a month I went from being content with my hubby, to being angry with him for all his shortcomings, to thinking he was the best thing since sliced bread. He hadn't done anything differently...it was all in my attitude and my focus. Was I looking for the good or was I looking for the bad. Watch what you think and say. Words are powerful. Keep telling yourself your life is terrible and I guarantee, no matter what your circumstances, your life will be terrible. Tell yourself that your life is great and low and behold...it is. As a teacher I saw this phenomenon much too often. Students labelled as troublemakers or underachievers or whatever. They became their labels. If you go into any successful classroom, you will see a teacher looking for and finding the good in their students. Watch your words/thoughts...they are very powerful.

Graduations

As unbelievable as it is, my niece, Lauren, graduated from high school today. That I so vividly remember her as a baby, toddler and little girl is frightening. I am confident that she will do well in anything and everything she undertakes. Her determination is wonderful to behold. She's off to New Orleans this summer with her church to help with the rebuilding there. Last summer was Peru. I'm not sure of all the awards she won, but I'm sure they're abundant and well deserved. I can't wait to hear all about it.

Summer

Partially because I'm a visual person I'm also a list person. I get great satisfaction from SEEING things get crossed off my To Do list. But at the same time, seeing a list that is pages long can be demoralizing. It's summer, so my list has just blossomed. Every year I seem surprised to find myself busier in the summer than the school year. But as a stay at home mom, summer is when my charges are home more. It's also the time for doctors, dentists, orthodontists, and so on.
The Singer, now officially a senior as she so often points out, drives me absolutely crazy. Because she is way too much like me at her age. Her approach to life in our house is "keep it close to the vest and share as little as possible." I made her a skirt, she was trying it on. I asked if it fit correctly or if it was really a little too big in the waist. Her response, "It fits like the skirt we made last summer...I've learned to deal with it." Doesn't sound like a positive response, so I say "Do you want me to take the waist in?" "No...it's okay." The resounding positive is underwhelming. Trying to get her to tell me what she really thinks or feels is exhausting. She is uber polite in her words in the interactions, but the underlying attitude is "whatever...just leave me alone." She so obviously wants any kind of interaction that could be construed as involving conflict to be over that she spews out "yes ma'ams" and "yes, I'll do that" quicker than I can finish saying whatever I want to explain. At least with me, (and I believe with many others as well) negotiations don't come naturally. Life is all or nothing. If I tell her I won't buy her ...whatever...instead of trying to make a deal ("Well, would you pay for half of it?"). I get a cold "yes ma'am." Avoid conflict. It drives me batty! Relationships are all about negotiations. I'm praying that much of this behavior is her age and not hard wiring in her.

Work Ethic

I always enjoy reading Cindy's blog, even though she has 39 children and I only have 2, and even though most of her kids were adopted as older children and mine are my own bio kids, parenting is parenting and what she writes about usually gets me thinking. Sometimes, it gets me thinking about people I meet...we never know the other person's baggage...I think it's helped me be a little less judgemental.
Today, Cindy referenced Success Magazine. As the Singer has embarked on her summer job in an office (legal preparation of medical records) that requires etiquette I'm not sure she has encountered often, the article on business etiquette caught my eye and I've printed it out for her. The top points seem obvious to me, but I've found that nothing is obvious (except the 'out of touch with teens' mentality of parents) to teens.

Top Six Business Etiquette Mistakes & How to Correct Them

1. Improper handshake (the firm, web-to-web handshake is best).
2. Poor eye contact (eye contact, made 40%-60% of the time, is directed in between the eye brows).
3. Lack of dining skills (when in doubt watch the host or hostess).
4. Unprofessional attire in the office (always dress two levels above your position).
5. Ignorance of other cultures (learn the customs of other nations by visiting http://www.state.gov/countries).
6. Cell phone rudeness (keep phones on vibrate or use a low ring tone and use your library voice).

PSOW National Business Etiquette Week Tips

1. Email is never private and lives forever in cyberspace. Plus, you don’t know who has been Blind Carbon Copied. Never sound angry, condescending or illiterate. (Anything in writing has more power than something simply spoken once...be careful what you write anywhere--my own comment)
2. If unsure which is your bread plate remember left to right is B-M-W: Bread-Meal-Water.
3. During business encounters (even social ones) don’t discuss “hot” topics like religion, diets or money.
4. Remember someone’s name by using it 3 times in a conversation: when being introduced, during the conversation and when saying goodbye.
5. A dirty or tattered business card is a “deal breaker”—always have a clean supply on-hand.

The good news about the Singer is that her boss (a friend of mine) called me to tell me she was impressed with the Singer's work ethic. Thank goodness. I recognize that what I see at home is not what my girls present to the world at large. But both Hubby and I feel like we've had to fight to overcome the entitlement attitude so prevalent in society to try to teach our girls a strong work ethic. Hubby's dad worked 3 jobs sometimes to keep food on the table. He did it because it was what he needed to do. Fortunately I married his son who has the same work ethic embedded in him. I know Hubby's example has been great for the girls, but with the allure of the entitlement attitude, you're never sure what's sticking with your kids. It's nice to know some of the good stuff does stick.

While speaking about success, this story is quite amazing. A homeless teen graduating with a 3.7 GPA and off to college. He's been homeless for 2 years! This is the kind of story I point out to my kids...this is what I mean when I say "It is not what happens to you, but how you respond that determines your future." This is an example where hard work and the idea of 'just keep on moving and working' brings about a better outcome. It doesn't matter what road you're on, if you stand still you'll eventually get run over.

Birthdays and Graduations

Having celebrated my birthday and receiving multiple graduation announcements, the passage of time is being thrown in my face. I don't feel any older. More experienced (and hopefully wiser), but not older. How can all of these children, kids who I held as babies, be graduating from high school and getting ready to embark on their first true step of independence? Not possible. When did they go from toddlers to adults? Time is such a relative term, and the years have somehow slipped by. A reminder to make every minute count...it's gone all too soon.

My Mr. Lincoln rose bush is in full bloom! I've had 14 roses in the last 5 days and have at least 10 more buds developing on the bush right now. I love the smell of the Mr. Lincolns. I'm battling aphids, so yesterdays clipped roses were put on the back porch table, not in my house. The drought is oppressive. I got a crepe myrtle tree for Mother's Day and it's planted near my rose bush, so my roses have been getting daily watering...hence the abundance of blooms. Most of my other plants are indigenous and drought resistant so are surviving but not thriving. We're about 10 inches below normal for our rainfall thus far this year. The extended forecast shows the highest chance of rain for Saturday with a 20% chance. Ugh. The pool water is evaporating as I watch, as our relative humidity is down, too. Between the cost of gas and our use of water, our monthly budget has to be redone or we'll not be living within our budget.

The Imp is celebrating summer. Her last day was last Thursday. Even though the Singer is taking her last exam as I write, I gave the girls their Summer Survival Bags last Friday. They were a big hit. I always include "Unlimited Reading" coupons. The Imp has already used one of her coupons. She and the Singer hit the library Monday and each came home with an armload of books. The Imp promptly went to her room and began reading. She came out for dinner and then was back in her book(s). At 10:00 pm she told me she was using her coupon and she proceeded to read until 4:30 the next morning.

The Singer has a busy summer scheduled for herself. She is working 9-5 at an office each day, in addition she is swimming each morning from 6-8 am. I'm encouraging her to swim only 3 days a week, so she has some "down time" but she is determined to be ready to win some races come the high school swim season in August. I hate to put roadblocks in front of her goals...so I'll wait to see how things play out. I'm actually impressed with her drive to work towards her goal. She also wants to continue her piano lessons throughout the summer, but is willing to drop the voice lessons until the fall. She is excited about her summer schedule so I'm holding my tongue about her overdoing it. I am insisting she take off the week before school starts so she feels like she has had some relaxation before her Senior year begins. She was recently elected President of Mu Alpha Theta (math honor society) and the president of a newly formed organization made up of members from all the honor societies. The organization is to foster more service and activity from the honor societies and to coordinate those efforts. So she's already begun to plan Pi day as an activity for Mu Alpha Theta (March 14----3.14). Her energy level is inspiring.

The Imp's summer plans include making it to Bush Gardens at least once a week. She and her cousin, Sean, want to ride Sheikra (in its newest form---without a floor) as many times as possible. She's helping with Vacation Bible School, attending volleyball camp and is continuing to swim, as well. Her swim lessons are at 4:15 in the afternoon and is only 2 days per week.

My summer plans include sewing the Singer 2 new skirts (we got the material yesterday) for her to be able to wear to work, re caulking the girls' bathroom, and I'm busy working on crocheted bookmarks. I'm hoping my sister-in-law can sell them at the fall sale they have to benefit the Sumter Muscular Dystrophy Fund. Right now I have 18 different samples I plan to bring to show her in July. Then she can pick 4 or 5 styles that I can then make 10 or so of each style (in various color combinations). A few of the bookmarks I've made are not on the selection list as they are simply too time-intensive to make to sell. One is call the Celtic Lace. It took me at least 10 hours to make that. It's gorgeous, but....
Celtic Lace:


Tasseled:


Cross:


Elegant Shells:


Snowflake:


Lace Fan:


Butterfly



The Singer wants to buy a digital camera with her summer earnings. I'm excited as I should then be able to post more pictures.

Like-Minded People

Saturday the whole family went to a picnic with a group Hubby and I belong to. The group is a couples' prayer group, Teams of Our Lady (TOOLs). Normally, just the couples (6 couples on our current Team) meet once a month for a meal and then sharing on a spiritual book we are studying. Occassionally, we get the families together. Hubby and I have been on this team a little less than a year, and so our girls have not had a chance to interact with the children of the other couples. We met at a house on a lake. Lots of oak trees providing shade, a huge yard, a dock to fish off of, a swimming pool, etc. It was absolutely gorgeous. There were about 20 kids there and after the first few minutes of awkward introductions, they were off and running (literally) and were acting like they'd known each other for years. The Imp came home with an email address to keep up with one of the girls she met. It was so wonderful to share an afternoon and evening with other families of like values. We didn't hear any swearing (from adults or children). It was rejuvenating for me as I didn't have to fight an uphill battle with my children. They didn't come asking to do things I disapproved of. All the children have similar home rules. There was no peer pressure to be worldly cool. They all know they have strict parents and they all know they'd have serious consequences for misbehavior. So I enjoyed just sitting back and not worrying about what my kids were doing as they ran around the yard, even when I couldn't see them. In addition, Hubby and I got to spend time with 5 other couples and talk and share about everything and nothing. Lots of great conversations including one about the Christian symbolism of Spiderman 3. And every so often you would hear an adult say, "It is so nice to have this group to support us as we try to live Christian married lives." If you want to run a marathon, a great way to ensure success is to train with other marathon runners. If you want to lose weight, join a support group. If you want to work out, get a buddy. The research is there. We are social people and social support for our endeavors increases our chances for success. The same is true for marriage. If we want to have healthy, successful Christian marriages and families, we need to get support from others. It's hard upholding Christian morals with the commercialism and materialism and ME-ism that abounds. Last night I heard one little boy tell another, "My parents won't let me see that movie." and the reply was "Neither will mine." End of conversation.
Hubby and I really believe that marriage is a work of art in progress. In order to keep the art beautiful you need lots of tools. Good communication is a key tool required for any successful relationship. We talk to engaged couples all the time about adding tools to their marriage toolbox. We've used that analogy for years. When we joined Teams of Our Lady and found out the acronym was TOOLs we thought, "Perfect. This organization is a great tool to keep a marriage tuned-up." There are lots of different marriage support groups, some formal and some informal, but getting together with like-minded people is a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon/evening.

Andrea

Subtropical Depression Andrea is churning in the Atlantic. Let's hope that this is not indicative of the Hurricane season which doesn't officially begin until June 1. The winds from the storm are actually making the winds in Tampa come off the Gulf which is a good thing. There were over 250 wild fires in Florida yesterday. On Monday the wind was from the north and the air was thick with smoke. Even going outside to simply get the mail caused my eyes to water and my throat to burn. No sitting out at the pool on Monday.
Yesterday and today were gorgeous days. Unfortunately, no rain. We are experiencing serious drought conditions. And unfortunately, Andrea is not dropping moisture on us. We could use a small tropical storm to sit upon us for a day or two and drop some rain. Wildfires are a serious problems. One in Sarasota on Monday was apparently caused by someone throwing a cigarette butt in the median of I-75. The windy conditions are making containing the fires difficult.

The in-laws' 60th Anniversary party was wonderful. We arrived home about 1:30 am on Monday morning, totally exhausted but very happy we went. They were very surprised and having most of their children show up at 7 am Daily Mass on Saturday was probably the best gift we could have given them. It was great to see so much family. Hubby's sister, Chris and 6 of her 7 (one is in Iraq) children (plus their children) all showed up. It was heart-warming to see all the little cousins running around. And all but 2 of my in-laws' children came, too. It was a full house and lots of laughter and catching up.

The girls are in the middle of exams so the house is full of stress. Mother's Day is fast approaching and they are torn between working on things for Mother's Day and studying. They'd rather work on Mother's Day things, but know that school comes first. The temptations to procrastinate abound. The best part of Mother's Day is that my birthday follows shortly afterwards. SO I get a whole week of "Queen of the House." The best part of being queen is that I don't have to plan any meals, grocery shop or do laundry. I get a week off! Normally, I end of doing some of all of these things, but to know I don't have to is quite rejuvenating. I think a trip to the beach come Sunday may be in order.

Summer Time

Summer fever has hit. I don't want to be inside. The pool calls me. Unfortunately there is much to be done in the house. Ugh. I'm busy cleaning because friend (distant cousin) is coming to stay with the girls this weekend as Hubby and I are off to his parents' 60th wedding anniversary. This nice young lady will be staying in our bedroom (the room that traditionally doesn't have to be spotless when guests come). So I scrubbed the bath down yesterday. Today the bedroom (including dusting the ceiling fan and washing the curtains). I'd hate for someone to feel like the house was dirty. We're really not going to be gone long but having someone here to be an adult and a deterent to poor choices brings peace of mind.

Next weekend is Mother's Day. One of my favorite holidays. I've received some great gifts over the years. One year, the Singer made me a powerpoint presentation about how she was glad I was her mom. Another year, the Imp made a poster board with drawings of our whole family being happy together. In many ways, Mother's Day is a celebration of family, not just me. The added benefit for me is my birthday is just a few days after Mother's Day, so I tend to get a week of celebration and the two sort of mesh together. I enjoy being the center of attention and look forward to see what creative things my kids have done for me. This year, I've asked for a crepe myrtle tree and various other plants as well as a Dirt Devil broom/vac. Coupons are big gift items in this house. That is, homemade coupons. I've requested a coupon for someone else to clean the kitchen floor and a week of someone else planning the meals (I'll even help cook them, just someone else please decide).

While Mother's Day is on my mind, I've also been busy working on the girls' Summer Survival Kit. It has become a tradition they won't let me drop. It started probably 7 or 8 years ago. Both girls were in school and I bought a small tote for each of them and put in a gift card to the movies, a gift card for the book store, a gift card for an ice cream, sunscreen (each having their own personal bottle has helped them put it on), sand toys for the beach, some sort of activity book, all-day TV coupon, PJ day coupon, no chore day coupon, and a slip of paper for each camp (usually one or two) they were attending that summer. This has helped them not ask for so much over the summer as what's in their bag is what I'm willing to give towards their summer entertainment. In addition, when they were younger, this is where I introduced however we would track their summer reading. One year I made a bunch of circles out of construction paper (about 3-inch diameter). I turned one circle from each girl's stack into a bookworm's head. As they read a book we'd write down the title and author and add it to their worm. It let them see how many books they'd read.
I love the summer when schedules are calmer and there's more time to just be with each other. The school year gets so hectic. It's hard to balance having time to do nothing with having the girls participate in things they enjoy. Even with as busy as they are, both have given up activities they enjoy. There is so much out there. Swim is their big activity, requiring 3 practices a week per girl (M,T,W for the Imp and MWTh for the Singer) but requiring someone to be at the pool 4 days a week. It's such a great activity for both of them but it certainly is time consuming. Summer is the time for them to get bored and then figuring out something fun to do. TV, computer and video games have pretty strict time limits over the summer (during the school year they're so busy, it's really not necessary to limit it...but summertime would have them become coach potatoes. Not because they don't enjoy other things, but it's the path of least resistance.) The Imp's last day of school is May 17. The Singer has exams until May 23. The countdown has begun around here. The Singer is preparing for her AP exams now and is trying hard to control her stress level.

Pool Time

Yesterday, Hubby and I spent hours scrubbing down the pool cage and deck. It was fun working together. Today we got to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We took our books out, climbed on a raft and read in the sun. The girls came out later and we had fun splashing and generally goofing off.
This is late for us to be "openning the pool for the season." But the temperatures have fluctuated so much over the past month, the weekend and good weather hadn't coinsided.
This is what Sundays are all about. Went to church and heard my daughters sing. Came home and enjoyed the afternoon relaxing and preparing for another week.

Preparing for College

Here are two recent articles about preparing students for college. The Essential Cognitive Backpack, and Schoolteachers, Professors Differ on What Students Should Know. The qualities being described as necessary for college success are qualities that would lead to success in any endeavor. As a teacher, I have always felt like we try to get students to memorize too much without enough analysis. As a middle and high school teacher, I felt like I needed to teach students HOW to find information and HOW to attach it to existing knowledge. The first article references knowing your learning style. As educators we know so much about learning styles, I think it is something every ninth grader should be taught. Students should be an active participant in their learning. Knowing whether flash cards, diagrams and graphs or reading aloud helps you retain information is a must. Too many students waste time on activities that don't help them remember/learn and then get frustrated with the process and give up. At the beginning of each quarter I would have my students fill out a survey of sorts. I would ask if they were satisfied with their grade from the previous quarter and what they would do to maintain or improve it. Inevitably, over 1/2 the students would write "I will study harder." I would then ask, what does that look like? If I had a video cam in your house, how would I know you were studying harder? I asked if it I could judge whether they were studying harder by how long their text or notebooks were openned. Then I would talk about re-reading notes, making note cards, turning the TV off, etc. I tried to expose my students to learning styles and the idea that they needed to take control of their learning, but I did also have a curriculum to teach, so could only spend so much time on it. When I taught in a private school in Maryland I developed a study skills course (1/2 the class was in an enrichment program and I had the other half). Determining learning styles was key. If reading comprehension is not a strength, re-reading a chapter the night before a test is a waste of time and energy. Schools are so worried about teaching content that they miss the boat in teaching process and in recognizing that we actually teach students....people who are all different. I always saw a class full of students as a challenge. What can I do to help these kids succeed, not just in Social Studies, but in life?

Predicting Consequences

Our Engaged Encounter weekend was great! There were 22 couples and I was amazed at the spirituality of the group as a whole. There have been weekends that the animosity emanating from the couples because their priest "made them come" is its own entity in the room. I had more people seek me out individually to thank me for my time and sharing. That usually means they listened and at least were open to what was being said.

The down side of the weekend was the cafeteria. We hold the weekend at a college conference center. (We would love to give them at a retreat center but the one that is close by is booked a year in advance and because it is in demand is actually more expensive then the college. The diocese is in the process of building a retreat center due to open in 2010, I think. I can't wait). Apparently the college kids just got out and the campus was relatively empty, and we seemed to be the only group using the cafeteria. The workers were late for opening for every meal but the real problem were rodents! Yes, rodents. Saturday morning at our first meal, there were multiple traps set underneath the salad bar. The was a rodent caught in one of the (it appeared to be almost rat-sized) and it was still alive. Talk about unappetizing. After being told a worker removed the trapped rat. After that about 1/2 the couples just left campus for meals. Surprisingly they did not complain to us about having to pay for meals they really already paid for in the cost of the weekend. Sunday morning as we were walking to the cafeteria we saw a worker stepping out a back door with another trapped rat! Ugh!
Usually the food at this college is actually very good and mealtime is something to look forward to. Not this weekend.

Arriving home exhausted, as we always do after a weekend, Hubby and I got to deal with a major drama in the Singer's life (I'm not sure how major it will ultimately be, but it's very major to her at this time). Not wanting to go into details to protect the guilty, the fiasco and discussion following has me wondering how we ever know if what we do as parents is right. The Singer's strong self-esteem concerning certain talents she has, combined with her self-perception of lacking in the popularity-race has her making some decisions I'm afraid she will regret later. At 16, belonging universally is a strong motivator. I see so clearly that she doesn't understand the idea of "unknown consequences" and wonder if we have contributed to this by repeatedly stating the consequences of poor choices before hand. "If you don't pick up your toys you will have them taken away." "If you don't clear your plate properly, you have to do the dishes alone." "If you...then you." Has that given her a sense that she can predict the consequences of her choices ahead of time? I tried to tell her that she can't predict all the consequences. Using the example of drunk driving (and no, that is not the current issue with her), you don't know who else will be on the road, their driving abilities, if a cop will stop you (consequence being a ticket as opposed to an accident), and so on. I then tried to explain the "hidden" consequences. If someone hears about the poor decision, their opinion of you could change. If that person is in a position of authority you could limit your choices. For example, someone may be thinking of offering a job or opportunity and upon finding out about a poor decision could decide not to. You may never know about that missed opportunity. The Singer was complaining about her "good Catholic girl" reputation, and how it limits her social invitations, yet she doesn't realize how good her life is because of that reputation. Her was offered her summer job due to her reputation. Our friend needs a good, reliable, responsible person. Without her reputation, the job wouldn't have been offered. She raised money to go to Music Ministry Alive. Many of the people who gave money, gave because the Singer has a reputation at our church of being responsible and spiritual. They believe their money will be well-spent on her. She, herself, has commented how she has been given "second chances" from teachers who are not known for their leniency because of her reputation. She was "chastised" by an adult in front of her peers for some behavior and she felt like it was because she's not allowed to make any mistakes ("My reputation makes adults demand more of me than others"). I laughed. My dear, sweet, naive little girl, you were chastised because you did something wrong. This is what happens. She is so use to being given a nice reminder or whatever she's not use to being publicly reprimanded. She was indignant, believing that adult shouldn't have done it! Being an accomplished 16 year old has gone to her head. Any adult supervising you has the right to reprimand you, dear. And you need to accept it! She's not going to be happy when I walk her up to that adult when we see her next and make her apologize publicly. Where humiliation just to humiliate is not something I advocate, when someone is getting to big for their britches, practice in humility is required. I spent much time during the night mulling over whether this is a blip or a sign of things to come. I don't want to make too much of it, but I don't want to let something get out of hand. Some of the thoughts she shared with us last night were surprising to me.
Cindy, my sister-in-law (once removed), has been blogging of the lack of appreciation by some of her adopted children. She mentions that she realizes they have been "cheated" out of some of the things that children should just have (love, care, food, etc), but that while that may explain some of their actions it doesn't necessarily excuse the actions. My thought as I read her entry today was "The Singer has NO REASON for this! She has had unconditional love, support, time, yada, yada, yada her entire life. Obviously the Singer's issues don't enter the realm of serious issues of older children adoption, but a certain amount of the behavior is because they are teenagers and as Michael J Bradley said, "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" The Singer acts so mature so much of the time, it is easy to forget that she is only 16, but oh how I wish I could convince her that my experiences have given me certain insights she doesn't possess.
I spent the day in the county courthouse having been summoned for jury duty. I don't really mind. As a social studies teacher the democratic process is something to marvel at and is really cool. I wasn't selected to sit on a jury, but both judges I saw today stated emphatically that people serving on juries is necessary for our government to function well. I love that patriotic stuff!

Preparing for Marriage

The Singer is off in Orlando for a Spanish competition that began yesterday afternoon and runs through tomorrow. She just called to tell me that she has completed her impromptu speaking and her play presentation and is essentially off the rest of the day. She and her pals are having a good time sitting out at the pool.

Hubby and I are getting ready to go present a retreat weekend to engaged couples (Engaged Encounter). It is one of our favorite things to do (once we get there). We spent about 6 months writing our talks. Basically we follow an outline about key ideas (you have to know yourself before sharing yourself with someone else, you have to communicate, how you "fight" is as important as what you fight about, you need God in your life to have a sacramental marriage, etc). We had to find examples from our own relationship that supports those truisms (whether because we did things right or the trouble caused by doing the opposite). We've been doing this ministry for over 16 years. I believe it has kept our marriage stable and healthy. There have been many times when Hubby and I have headed off to a weekend upset with each other and barely talking. Somehow reading about our love helps bring it back to the forefront. The fact that we have a lot of time on the weekend to talk with each other without interruptions helps too. It is exciting to share a weekend with 20-23 couples who are in-love. Things are different than when we got married 23 years ago, but they are also very much the same. Respect, love, honesty. These are not qualities that change over time. They are key ingredients to any relationship. Fear of abandonment is a common fear for children and adults. I am blessed because I really don't fear Hubby ever leaving me. Whatever happens we'll stick it out. I may drive him crazy, he may irritate me to no end, but we both trust that we are loved by the other and that God is on our side. With those basic principals as our foundation we'll make it, and thrive.
The hardest part of doing the weekends has always been finding someone to watch the girls. It's not that people aren't willing or that our girls are too much trouble, but it is difficult to entrust your kids to someone else. When we first started doing the weekends, the Singer was less than a year old. At that time I lived near my brother, his wife and his daughter (a little more than a year older than the Singer). I was hesitant the first time we left the Singer with them, but after that it was pretty easy. My sister-in-law loved the Singer and the cousins got along great. When the Singer was just shy of 2 years old, we had to do a retreat and my sister-in-law potty-trained the Singer over the weekend (I had begun the process, but with an older cousin to impress, the Singer was really motivated!). Once the Imp was born, being able to leave the girls together was comforting. I knew the Singer would watch out for the Imp and that the Imp would feel safe with the Singer around. I believe these separations have made it easier for me to let go as the girls have grown and I think it's helped them feel safe without Mom and Dad always there. We used to present at 2-3 weekends a year. Now we do about 1 a year. Family is the foundation of our world. I believe I'm helping to create healthy families for tomorrow and it feels good.

Are You Getting Your Money's Worth?

People frequently ask me if the school I send the Imp to is a "good school." It's a Catholic school and I think often they want to know if I'm "getting my money's worth." I picked this school for it's character, not for its academics. The academics are adequate and in many areas very good. With the huge public school system here, the academic opportunities would be much greater for the Imp at a public school. She would definitely be in the Gifted Program. But acquiring the most knowledge in the shortest amount of time is not the goal I have for my daughters. Every week the principal (a Salesian sister) sends home a letter to the parents. It is more than a bulletin of what is happening. It often is sharing of values and philosophies. The following came home yesterday. This is why I send the Imp to this school.

It is with heavy hearts that we return from Easter vacation following the tragedy at VA Tech University. It is almost 8 years to the day that 13 students were killed at Columbine H.S. Kids killing kids...how does this happen and how can it be prevented? What makes kids "implode"? Is it evil or mental illness?

There are so many questions that we can ask ourselves after the fact, but maybe this tragedy offers us the opportunity as parents, teachers, administrators, counselors, etc. to reflect on our responsibility to the children God has entrusted to our care. We carry an awesome responsibility.

Do we give kids time? Do we offer them faith and reasons to hope? Do we give them experiences of true love where they feel safe and nurtured? Do we pray with our children and for our children? Do we spend TIME with them, allowing THEM to talk and share their feelings? [emphasis mine]
Do we allow them to feel positive about themselves and look positively at
others? Do we teach them to respect others and empathize with others who
have less or feel different? Do we hold them accountable for their actions
and discipline them when necessary? Do we set boundaries and routines for
them so they know what to expect? Do we teach them inclusion and not exclusion?
Do we teach them how to deal with their feelings and emotions? Do we give them
good example and positive role models? Are our kids peaceful and happy with the
simple things in life?

Or do we place unrealistic expectations and pressures on our children? Do we replace our time and affection with money and things? Do we spend more time comparing our kids against other kids rather than appreciate them for who they are and help them be the best they can be? Do we avoid facing the problems our kids may have and finding them the help they may need? Do we know where our kids are when they're not with us? Do we know where their friends are and where they "hang out"? Do we know what they are reading, writing, e-mailing, researching on the Internet, looking at on TV and movies, listening to on ipods? Do we ever notice if our kids are lonely, troubled, quiet, with few friends, depressed with life itself?

St. John Bosco (the founder of the Salesians) was a man ahead of his times and understood kids. His educational system of reason, religion and loving kindness lived in a family spirit tells exactly what our kids and all kids need, especially in this day and age...truth, honesty, faith, love, friendship, and most importantly FAMILY! [emphasis mine]

With every tragedy there will be unanswered questions and regrets. Maybe it is time to simply stop and listen to what our kids are telling us....more often by their actions than their words...and LOVE THEM.

These are not just words to Sr. Kim. She believes them and lives them and is such a great leader. Yea, I think I get my money's worth.

Today is the anniversary of my sister-in-law's (Ellen) death. It still amazes me the impact she has had on my life. I knew her for a very few years really. But I still miss her and think of her and am thankful I did know her and am thankful for the example of "good living" she was.
Without faith, I'm not sure how I would handle death. We need to teach our kids our faith, and do all we can to connect them with God. Without God, life is depressing and hopeless and meaningless. Without God Ellen's death and the death of the 32 at VA Tech have little meaning. With God, goodness can come from this pain. And there is great hope because we already know the end of the story... Good wins! Evil loses!

Easter

It's been awhile since I've written. The girls were off last week for Easter Break. The week before was Holy Week and was an incredible experience for me. Thursday began the Triduum. As any church, my church has its problems, but we do liturgy right. The liturgies of the Triduum are truly moving and spiritual. The girls sang at Holy Thursday Mass, Good Friday service and the Easter Vigil. I love Easter Vigil and am thrilled that the girls really like it and get so much out of it. There is no persuasion needed to get them to Easter Vigil, even though it typically is 3+ hours long. The Mass begins outside and the lighting of the Easter fire. Then the Paschal candle is lit and the candle is processed into a dark church. Everyone in church has a small candle and the Paschal candle is used to light these candles. The church lights up very quickly. It's beautiful and a great way to begin the celebration of Easter. Then we have a number of Bible readings in the dark. Then the church is decorated (flowers and more flowers are brought out to decorate the altar and the baptismal font). When the lights go on, it is a spectacular sight. The church was barren on Good Friday (no holy water, cross covered, no greenery or flowers). Then we have baptisms. We have an immersion font, so our pastor walks into the font and then each baptismal candidate is baptized in turn. We had 14 baptisms this year. It is wonderful to see the looks of happiness on their faces as they emerge and to see the joy on their families' faces. After Mass there is always a reception for the newly baptized and confirmed in our hall and even though it was 11:30 PM by the time we got to the hall, there were many people still enjoying the reception. The Singer got up at 5:30 the next morning to sing at the sunrise service. It was the first year she attended this Mass (which is held in our prayer garden). She loved it and talked about how the sun rose throughout the Mass and it felt like resurrection and new birth. What a great Easter. To have my faith, my husband, my girls and to know they to have faith. I think we're very blessed because I know that both of my parents and Hubby's parents pray for all of us each day. That's quite a comfort.

Good Friday saw me desperately finishing up sewing a bolero-type jacket to wear with my Easter dress. It turned out fine and the Singer wants me to sew her one, too.

Last week we spent 2 days traipsing across the state to look at colleges. Fortunately or unfortunately the two colleges we spent time at both had much to offer. I think the Singer would do well at either. One (UCF) is huge (42,000) and has lots to offer in the sense of variety and opportunity. The other (UNF) is small (16,000) and has a phenomenal business department (the Singer may want to open her own business) but not a great music program. It's a beautiful campus set amidst beautiful trees and 10 minutes from the beach (more a plus to me than the Singer). It has an indoor swimming pool and a good intramural program in swimming. The Imp like UNF better and told the Singer she should go to UCF and leave UNF for the Imp.

Sewing

I have a nice sundress that I really like but I would prefer to wear it with a sweater or jacket when I go to church. So I went out and bought a pattern for a bolero-type jacket to make a short sleeve white jacket to wear with my dress on Easter. The pattern looked easy. (I know, you can't go by looks.) I've done some sewing and felt confident that I could whip this out in a day or two. That was 4 days ago! Obviously, I've not spent all-day working on it, but still. It has become a matter of pride for me to finish it. This pattern has really frustrated me. I've had a hard time following the directions and think the diagrams are pointless. It's a Butterick pattern. I've had much better success with McCalls and even Vogue. It took me literally an hour to figure out what one direction wanted me to do. I've got the vest-part of the jacket complete and now just have to do the sleeves, but once again have run into a direction I can't easily figure out. I will...eventually, but I'm giving it a break and am hoping that when I go back with fresh eyes, it will all make sense. Despite all the problems, I really like to sew and it's a great feeling to wear something you've made (especially when others don't know you made it.) I made the First Communion dress both girls wore. THAT was hard. Using satin material always makes the job harder as it likes to slide all over the place.
The weather is gorgeous and I ate my lunch out in the sun by the pool. I looked at Crape Myrtle trees this week, too. I want a purple one for my back yard. I think it'll be my Mother's Day gift but I'll get it early.
Hubby and his sister have been busily planning a surprise 60th anniversary party for his parents. His mom found out about it and said very emphatically that she wanted no part of it. It really hurt Hubby's feelings (and mine and his sister's) that she reacted the way she did. I can understand not wanting a big deal made (even though it is not my nature) and since Hubby's dad has been fighting a bone infection and dealing with some other health issues, I can understand him not wanting to have to "entertain" during a party. I think the way it was said was poor. Hubby is also disappointed because his 2 brothers who live in Seattle, WA are not making it home for the anniversary. Being from a large family is great, but with 10 kids, there are 10 very different personalities and opinions. Until yesterday I was looking forward to May 5 and the anniversary party, now I'm just looking forward to it all being over. Sad, but true.
I'm sure by the 5th I'll be in a better state. Hubby and I are flying to PA for the weekend while the girls stay home to study. The Imp's last day of school is May 17th! The Singer has exams the 18-22. Summer is just about here. YEA!!
Gonna go try to figure out this pattern and try not to scream.

Conversion

Both girls had their school plays this week. So the week was jammed packed with play practices and performances. Thank goodness, the Imp's play was during the school day and then Thursday night, while the Singer's play was Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Their both happy to have the plays finished just because they'll have more free time. The weather has been the paradise weather Florida is famous for. Slight breeze, warm (80+), sunny and low humidity (well, lower than our summer humidity of 95%). The sunshine just seems to be calling you all the time. I've been enjoying eating my lunch outside by the pool (while reading my book).
This past week we also had a mission at our church (Sun - Tues). The speaker was amazing and truly inspirational. He began saying he hoped he would make us all uncomfortable at some time during his presentations because Jesus came to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. Conversion was a big topic and how often we learn something new, but don't change our behavior. True conversion requires a change of mind and positive action. Yesterday, Hubby and I went to a day retreat on Theology of the Body (thoughts by Pope John Paul II about why we have bodies and how we should use them). It's really quite amazing. As a married woman, the Theology of the Body really helps me see my role in God's plan. It also makes me see how important the institution of marriage is and how weak it has become. A while ago I was at another get together and the priest there said the crisis in vocations was not really about priests but about married people. Without a strong family (the first church everyone knows) it is not surprising there are not more people hearing God's call. Yesterday, the priest said "as marriage goes so goes the priesthood" Same concept. I've heard so much in the last week between the mission and the retreat my head and heart are a-buzz and trying very hard to absorb it all and ultimately cause conversion in me.

Libraries

Our local library closed the other day as they are tearing it down and building a new (bigger and better) one. There are 27 libraries in my county (all part of the same system). My local library has the 7th largest circulation but was one of the smallest. I am thrilled over the plans for the new library (which will actually be part of a town center...with Head Start and senior programs housed in the same building).

I just don't want to wait for a year and a half! Not only will the new one not be there, but my old one is now gone too. My library was so close to my house that my girls could ride their bikes there and it was located such that we often were passing by it on our way to or from somewhere else, which made "stopping by for a few minutes" very easy to do. I love libraries. I remember when I was 5th and 6th grade in living in Nebraska. I got a new bike for my birthday in May and I spent my summer riding to the library and picking out Nancy Drew books. I've always loved reading and never had a lot of spending money, so the idea that you could borrow books FOR FREE!!! was amazing and wonderful to me. I still feel that way. I love going to new libraries and exploring them. I so relate to the scene in "Beauty and the Beast" where Belle walks into the Beast's library and seems overwhelmed. In my dreams, I have a room just like that!! Books are wonderful and libraries are awesome providing them for free. During the summer I've taken my girls on library field trips as we've gone to visit other libraries in the county. They love going to the one in down-town Tampa which is in a 3 story building. The Imp and I hang out in a different library when the Singer has piano lessons and we've camped out in various other libraries when we have to travel to other parts of the county for various activities and end up with that 1/2 hour or hour of "dead time" (can't go home from school first...not enough time but going straight to the activity gets you there ahead of time). When the girls were little, I'd take them to story time and the puppet shows and the yo-yo man, etc that the library would host. Getting a library card was a right of passage in this house. At age 5, I allowed the girls to get their own card. We made it a huge production, discussing the responsibilities of taking care of books, knowing where they were and returning them on time. They were both so proud when they first got their cards. Until recently (when their extracurricular activities keep them so busy) we would stop at our local library at least once a week...just because. The girls often used that time to get books related to school work as well, but primarily it was for fun. For 2 years, I drove another girl home from school. I don't think she'd ever been in a library before carpooling with us. I took her with us when we'd stop after school. When I taught in middle school, I was amazed at how many students didn't have a library card. It was one of the things I brought up at parent-teacher conferences and sent home in my beginning of the year information (How to help your child succeed? Read. Free reading materials available at your local library, just get a card). I have 3 books on hold ready for pick-up. They're at my temporary library. So I'm off to the library tonight. Bringing the girls so they can acclimate themselves to our library for the next year or so.

Physics Horrors

The Singer has been working on a Physics group project at our house for a few months now. As the group is made up of 4 "A" students all taking Honors Physics, I figured I didn't need to provide much assistance (I provided refreshments and taught them how to use a drill and electric saw). I am shaking my head in disbelief at the calamity of the entire situation. The assignment was to build a contraption that had parts which set the next part in motion. For example, pop a balloon that has marbles in it. The popping of the balloon releases the marbles that then run down a track, fall into a cup and cause a lever to release a pendulum that swings and at the top of the arc of the swing it knocks over a stick attached to string the releases a cd to roll on a track that hits dominoes that fall into another cup that raises a flag. Lots of physics involved (the track has to have enough grade so the marbles continue rolling, dominoes need to be placed so even going up steps there will be enough force to continue to knock down the next domino and so on). Well...they really approached the whole thing haphazardly. Saturday and Sunday had the group working at our house for 6+ hours both days. Saturday had the Singer knocking a sawhorse over on her naked toe (I don't know why she wasn't wearing tennis shoes while working with power tools, but....). I really thought the toe was broken, but simply bandaged it up and told her we'd deal with it later. Sunday before the crew arrived, I took her to a walk-in-clinic. No broken bones, but the doctor did drill a small hole in her toenail to release the pressure from the blood so she wouldn't lose her toenail (it also made the pain more bearable). Sunday night at 8 PM I threw everyone out of the garage. The project still wasn't working, but I was assured it only needed a little "tweaking" to work. So one other girl came over Monday after school so she and the Singer could do that "tweaking". Well, after 4 more hours of work, it still wasn't working. The project was due today. Time was running out. So on Tuesday and Wednesday the Singer worked (about 5 hours each afternoon) fixing the project so it would work. I got to assist (some things needed 2 people to accomplish--a holder and a fixer). I kept making comments like "How did you think that was going to work...it doesn't make sense from a physics point of view...Did you even think about laws of physics while working on this?" The Singer was ready to kill me by the end. She kept telling me "Mom, we were just trying to get it to work." Like that excused their lack of logical thinking. Yesterday, I encouraged the Singer to re-read the directions to make sure everything was done to specifications. Low and behold, a table they had built stuck out beyond the acceptable size limit! Any item that was out of the limit would be disqualified (each working item earned points). Again...how do A students end up with something like that? I am still amazed that these 4 people do as well as they do in school, they seem to have very little common sense from where I'm standing. So the Singer had to dismantle the table (and the entire domino set up on top of it) and rebuild it and then adjust the item before and after the dominoes so everything still worked. We loaded the project into the van about 10 o'clock last night. We dropped it off this morning and we are so glad it's done!! The entire family!
I arrived back home from SC Friday afternoon, so the physics project has dominated the household since then, except for Friday night. We went to see "Wicked", the musical telling the story of the 2 witches from the Wizard of Oz before Dorothy came. The musical score is outstanding and we've had the soundtrack for quite a while, but the 2 actresses playing Galinda and Elphaba were phenomenal!!! They were the characters. Galinda is a flighty, over-the-top cheerleader type, and she played it sooo well. The costumes were spectacular. The whole thing was simply an indescribable event. And what made it even better was watching the Imp and the Singer's reactions. They were enthralled!! The tickets were the big Christmas gift to the family this year. We all wanted to return the next night to see it again. Alas, that wasn't possible! We hope it returns next year!
I enjoyed my trip to SC tremendously. John was able to converse better than at Christmas due to new meds. So we had lots of time talking and laughing. Illness makes many people uneasy, and some illnesses do effect the personality of a person, but spending time with John now is just like spending time with him before he got ill, only now he sits still instead of constantly doing things. He has always been a clown of sorts and has always had a great sense of humor. He still does! While it is heart-breaking to watch his physical body become paralyzed bit by bit, it is still just as much fun spending time with him as it always was.

Busy

Last Friday, the girls' little recital was great. It was at a small church (where they take voice lessons) and it was a "Valentine's Evening." There were about 13 or 14 selections. Many were performed by members of the church choir. The "audience" was primarily people over 60 (the exceptions being the young students and their families). The women of the church had all baked and brought desserts. The strawberries were the best! The Strawberry Festival starts this week. I love seeing the giant strawberries grown. I like eating the strawberry shortcake even better! I'm hoping to go see the Christian group, "Casting Crowns" next Saturday as they're playing at the festival.

I definitely have a busy week. I'm off to South Carolina to see John and Gwyn and my parents. I'll get a chance to see my big sister, Elaine, too (for a few hours) before I leave Thursday afternoon. I'll drive to the Florida/Georgia border Thursday night (it's about 1/2 way) and then I'll drive home Friday morning. Next Friday night we all get to go see "Wicked!" I can't wait! We've had the sound track since last Christmas, we bought the tickets last February, and we now are finally going to see the play. The hardest part will be remembering our manners and not singing along with the actors. The music is really wonderful. "Defying Gravity" is one of my favorites. It'll be fun to get all dressed up and go to the Performing Arts Center together. We haven't been in quite a while.

Then next Saturday is the Strawberry Festival and then it's back to normal chaos.

The Imp won her school's competition of the Readers' Digest WordPower Challenge. She then took an online test at school, and she finished in the top 100 6th, 7th and 8th graders in Florida so is off to the state competition on March 19. I'm thrilled. The Imp isn't so excited. She looks at it as a place to fail. I look at it as a place for her to shine, no matter how she does at the actual competition. She does not seek the spotlight like her sister does. As a spotlight hound myself, I don't always understand her.

Lent has started. I found it very telling about our society (and how our religious holidays have become so secular) when the Imp came home from the store last Sunday with a box of Peeps. She wanted to eat them before Lent started since she knew she wouldn't during Lent. I don't know, some thing's off-kilter when you buy Easter candy before Lent which is the time to prepare for Easter. The fact that Lent is 7+ weeks long, tells a little something about the commercialization of all things today. People hunger for fulfillment, but few realize that only God can bring that fulfillment. So many will try to fill up on things and activities. Is the current obesity problem a consequence of Americans turning to food to fill them up instead of personal growth and a relationship with God? I just read yesterday that the average American child drinks 65 GALLONS of soda a year. Whoa! That's a lot of soda. As I was exclaiming about this stat, the Imp tells me many of her classmates, including a close friend of hers, have coke for breakfast! Huh? Her friend goes through a drive-thru on the way to school and gets hash browns and coke each morning. Yuk! I feel my arteries clogging and the pounds settling on me just thinking about eating that each day. The Imp, seeing how appalled I was, defended her friend by saying, "They're so busy they don't have time to cook like we do." I didn't argue with her, but thought "Breakfast doesn't require a lot of cooking time...a box of cereal and milk is a lot healthier and cheaper than McD's every morning." I also know that when I was working we did eat out more than we do now, but I still planned a menu each week and we still had most meals at home. But that is one of the reasons I quit teaching, so I could contribute to the well-being of my family by making our lives less hectic. By being at home during the week, I can get grocery shopping done, do laundry, go to my Bible Study during the day and not have to take away from family time to do that. Our evenings and weekends are still full, but they aren't frantic because I view the 3 pm - 9pm time-frame as my prime work time. I'm not too exhausted to help with homework, listen to little daily problems with friends or at school, make dinner. The saying "If momma isn't happy, nobody's happy," has truth to it. I do set the tone of the family. If I'm calm, the family is much calmer than when I'm stressed out. Hubby is wonderful and is a very hands-on dad, but I'm the one who keeps tabs on the emotional well-being of each individual in the house and the family in general. That's my job, and I like it.

I'm obviously an advocate of stay-at-home moms. I stayed at home for 6 years after the Singer was born. When the Singer was 6 and the Imp 2 1/2, financially things started to fall apart for us (including renters moving out in the middle of the night with no notice). We decided that I would go back to work. It was a hard decision because teaching is a very demanding job, and one that is rarely confined to the time in the school building. But when I went to work, it was with the idea of achieving financial stability (not wealth) so I could then be at home once again. When I was working, we did not change our life-style in that my salary was used to cover working expenses (day care, wardrobe expenditures, increase eating out, gas, etc) and the rest of my salary was but towards our debt and our savings. So after 6 years in the classroom, I could easily leave without an impact on our standard of living. We bought our house with the idea of being able to afford it on one salary. Trust me, the sellers wanted us to upgrade and kept telling us we would qualify for a bigger house, with more extras. We kept saying, "No." We knew what we wanted.
I know there are people who have to have both parents working to make it. But I also know many more people who claim that both parents have to work but in reality they have put themselves in that position. Yes, if you buy a 3500 square foot home, you may not ever be able to make it on one salary. But if you bought a modest home, instead of a huge home, you could. I'm sure the Imp's friend's mom would say she can't afford to stop working (she is a teacher's aide at a private school, so her salary is not large). But I wonder how much the family spends because she works (eating out is very expensive). Our ideas about living "comfortably" are really skewed as a society. A roof over your head (clean, not bug-infested, working plumbing, etc), steady food on the table and a few outfits per person. Anything beyond that is luxurious. Kids don't all need their own room, or 12 pairs of shoes, or the newest Playstation console or game, or an ipod, and on and on. We are financially blessed. But when I look around, my kids have much less "stuff" than most other children their age. I don't feel guilty about it. I'm happy. They know stuff won't make them happy, and much of what they have, they've earned. (Both girls have an MP3 player, both paid for over 1/2 of the cost). I don't worry about them losing their MP3 players, because they know I won't buy them a new one, and they know how hard it was to save that kind of money.

On a different topic, although still on how much I think our society has lost focus. A hamburger chain "Checkers" began an add campaign with RapCat. RapCat is a hand puppet of a cat dressed as a rapper (and he raps, too). As part of the campaign, the company made their bags with lines of where to cut holes to make the bag into a rap outfit for your pet cat. The outrage over the "mistreatment" of cats by putting the bag on them has been way out of proportion. If your cat doesn't like it...don't do it! If that's the mistreatment of animals, how is America's Funniest Home Movies still on the air? The treatment of the animals on those clips is much worse than putting a paper bag on your cat (as an outfit). How many people put outfits on their cats and dogs? How often do the cats and dogs not like it? Should we prevent the sale of animal outfits? [Actually, I wouldn't mind, as I think we spend too much on our pets, but that's another story]. What really floored me with this whole story is that it led the 11 o'clock news AHEAD of a murder! Huh? Somehow we've really gotten off track about what's important.

The Spirit is Alive

Last night I had such a wonderful time. It was moving and fulfilling. 130 people (mostly 8th graders --but also the 4 adults from my class) were confirmed in my church. The bishop was there. Whatever his shortcomings (and we all have them) he has been very visible and accessible to the people of his diocese and he is a great homilist. He shared with us a letter he received from a young lady currently serving in Iraq who he had confirmed about 5 years ago. Her letter was poignant and beautiful. I think everyone had tears in their eyes as he read from her letter that he should make sure that people know forgiveness is the key. She had chosen St. Sebastian as her saint's name, and he had asked her about it. She chose him because he is the patron saint of athletes and she's very athletic. Bishop Lynch told her he always remembered that as St. Sebastian pulled the arrows from his body, he forgave each of his aggressors. She wrote of how little forgiveness she has seen in Iraq and that forgiveness is the only way to peace. Like I said, it was very moving.
So my emotions were running high between the story and watching 4 people I've personally watched grow in faith become confirmed. Then the Singer was the cantor and sang so beautifully. The Singer may not be the best singer ever (although I think she is...and yes I'll concede I may be biased), but she is an awesome cantor because she recognizes her role. As cantor she is not to perform, but to lead and encourage others into active worship. And she believes in her heart all that she sings and it shows! As she stood on the altar singing for the Holy Spirit to come I felt her true supplication that the Spirit would touch all of our lives. She is quite the young lady. I am truly blessed to have my parish and my daughter.

Saturday night the Imp took Hubby to the Father-Daughter dance at her school. It was the first time her school had done this, but it was such a hit, I think it won't be the last. Every girl was announced as she arrived and walked down the red carpet through a lattice archway. "Suzie Smith escorted by Joe Smith." There was a professional photographer there who took pictures of the "couples" and donated all the proceeds to the school and there was a dance instructor who taught the Salsa and the Merengue.

I've been busy crocheting lately. I really love the intricate patterns and designs that are so easily created. I love creating. This past week, I've mainly crocheted bookmarks, and it's great to be able to start and finish a project in a day. I actually gave each of my confirmation students a bookmark for their Bibles. I think I made about 10 bookmarks last week. The previous week, I worked on a bookmark that was wayyy too involved for my tastes, but once I started I wasn't quiting. I think it took me 7 or 8 days to complete. It's nice...but I'm not sure I'll make another one. I don't think it looks much different that the other ones, but it definitely is much harder.

The weather is cold. The coldest thus far this winter. I put a turtleneck on this morning for the first time this season. Tonight there's a freeze warning. I don't like the cold but when it's cold and cloudy, I really feel blah. Today is cold and dreary. No sun shining, wind blowing and COLD. Yuk. Fortunately, I'm off to scrapbook so my day isn't a total loss.

The girls have a voice recital tonight. They'll be singing "Sisters" (the song from 'White Christmas') together. I can't wait. I'm sure I'll be tearing up tonight!

Friends

I received this Friendship email today. I receive lots of "cute" things from multiple people on a regular basis. Sometimes I groan when I see that the mail is a Forward, meaning my friend isn't really writing to me, only sharing with me. But amidst all the clutter some real nuggets emerge. I believe this is one of those nuggets.

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT.

DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY,THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT;AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,WROTE IN THE
SAND:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH. THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE ."

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON
A STONE. WHY?"

THE FRIEND REPLIED "WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT
DOWNIN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT,WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

I know I need to work on the idea of writing good things on stone and bad things in the sand, no matter who does them or how they happened. Life is so much more fulfilling when we don't waste time on things we cannot change and don't dwell on hurts, percieved or real.

Valentine's Day Hype

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, we're now being inundated with all kinds of ads telling us that things say "I love you!" Yeah, right. I've always felt uncomfortable about Valentine's Day...if you have to be told to say "I love you," how much does it mean? Fortunately, Hubby shares my views (and he actually is thrilled that his love will not be measured by what he does or doesn't do or buy for Valentine's Day). Would I be hurt if the day weren't acknowledged at all? Probably. I like getting the cards and the gooey words. I don't mind getting a box of candy or a teddy bear to add to my collection. But I definitely do not need a diamond, or a trip or 12 dozen roses or anything else. Hubby tells me he loves me each day...in words and actions (Yes, hearing "I love you" is very important to me). I'd much rather get the day in and day out little declarations of love that to only get them on "special" occasions.
There's a great book about love called the Five Love Languages by Gary Smalley. Gary Smalley actually has written lots of good books about relationships in general and marriage in particular. My primary love language is Words of Affirmation. Tell me "Good job." or "I really appreciate you doing..." and you've charged me up for quite a while. By the same token, if you yell at me or suggest by your words that I'm not doing good enough... I take it to heart and tend to be crushed. Hubby's primary love language is Acts of Service. Many guys have this as their primary love language. They like to DO. So at the beginning of our marriage, I'm drowning him with all these words, and he's busy doing things. I'm hurt because I'm not getting the words I need and he's not responding to my demonstrations of love. He's upset and feels unappreciated because he's not getting the "brownie points" for doing all these things for me. So we had to become bi-lingual. I needed to recognize his little actions (making me coffee, or doing the dishes, or taking out the trash) were great declarations of love and needed to try to do the same for him (fill up his gas tank, move the car seat back after I drove his car, get up first to turn the heat up in the morning). He could understand those things easier than words. Actually, the more proficient you become in each of the languages makes all relationships easier. If you figure out what "speaks" to the other person you can tailor your interactions with them. If they speak Gift Giving then you better have gifts on Valentine's Day (although gift-giving doesn't mean expensive...it's the presentation...Here I have something for you...a flower picked from the yard is a gift). I think Physical Touch is the language that is the hardest to work with. If your primary language is Physical Touch, you really need it. If Physical Touch is not a language you speak at all, someone hugging on you all the time is overwhelming. So you withdraw, and then the other person feels extremely unloved because withdrawing physically is with-holding love. If you can learn the love languages of your children, it's great and helps you figure out how to reach your child easier. (Smalley has a book on Children's Love Languages as well). I know I've blogged about this before but it's so true and impacts my life so much and I was thinking about it again, I had to write more.

Gains and Losses

Last night was my last class with the adult Confirmation group. I will love having my Tuesday nights with my family, and my Mondays and Tuesdays free of planning for the class, but I will deeply miss the people in the class. Trying to teach something makes you really look at it. Trying to teach your faith is mind-boggling, but ultimately brings the teacher closer to God. One person asked, "Now what do we do? Where do we find other places to do what we did here?" Good question. My church has loads of volunteer opportunities and even 2 Bible Study groups, an English and a Spanish prayer group, but they are all rather large groups. (My church has 3000+ registered families). Our class was a small, intimate group that basically went through the creed and discussed topics. There was lots of faith-sharing and a real community feel. It's hard to get that in larger groups. So I've gained more time but also have to say good-bye to a great class.

Tomorrow is my niece's birthday. Lauren will be 18!! That is simply a difficult idea to get my little brain around. Such a lady now. My memories of Lauren include her and the Singer having so much fun together. She's always been a role-model for the Singer who is a year younger. It's really hard for me to comprehend that she is heading off to college (the college-of-knowledge, a.k.a. William and Mary)in a few short months. That also means the Singer isn't far behind! ACK! I'm not ready for this.

A local story gives me hope for the future our country. This man 'did the right thing' (see earlier blog). This incident happened close by and has been in the news off and on since the accident. The man appears to be striving to live his life as best as he can. I admire him greatly, and pray for his future. What a lucky kid to have him as a dad. That the community recognizes his courageous behavior is also encouraging.