Scrapbooking

Today I've been able to spend time "scrapping." It's been a long time since I've worked on my scrapbooks and the first thing I have to do is sort the pictures. I came across a box full of pictures from the early 80's and before. I found this picture of my brothers, John and Chris, that my mom has been looking for. So this is for her.

Next week, my friend and I are going to start scrapping every other Monday. We're both excited. Having a partner makes you scrap, instead of seeing all the other things that need to be done. A few years ago, we scrapped every Thursday for over a year and a half (a short break during the summer). That was wonderful, and I got much done. I'm anxious to get started again.

Ellen's Carrot Cake

Tonight, Hubby and I have are monthly get-together with 5 other couples. I love the fellowship and faith sharing, but the real pull is the great food. We have potluck. The host couple makes the main meal and the rest of us bring the sides. People always bring really good stuff. I can hardly wait to go and eat...especially because we're bringing dessert. And I made Ellen's carrot cake. I really met Ellen in August of 1988 (I had been introduced before...she was my sister-in-law, but this was when I moved closer to where she lived and got to see her more regularly). And I can't remember exactly but it might have been that year's Labor Day cook-out to which she brought her, now famous, carrot cake. I had never been a big carrot cake person (chocolate is my middle name). And I tried the cake more out of politeness than anything (mumbling to myself...doesn't she know real desserts have chocolate?) Then I tasted it. It was heavenly! I had to have the recipe. I have no idea where she got the recipe but it is more than good. Since then, I often choose this dessert to bring places and always get rave reviews. And it's always nice to remember Ellen.

Survival Awards and Dreams

I'm always "writing" blog entries when I read something interesting, or troubling, or thought-provoking. My writings don't always make it from my head to the computer.

I read this interesting, thought-provoking article about educating students. The teacher's suggestion was right on target. I'm not sure policy makers and law-makers know about these individual students.

Here I am -- another month of teaching gone by -- contemplating our school's
monthly awards: Perfect Attendance, Outstanding Citizen, Outstanding Scholar,
Superior Writer, Great Reader. . . [and] all I can think of is: How about an
award for Psychological Survivor, Emotional Duress Survivor? In other words,
awards for just coping with life.

It made me want to send all of Cindy's kids an award. And it made me think how Cindy tries so hard to minimize the effects of the traumatized pasts of her kids (And maybe Cindy needs a reward for "just coping with life") But it also made me remember so many of my students who showed up at school with the odds stacked against them, and my frustration with the emphasis on passing written tests. Don't get me wrong...students need to master skills in order to succeed. But not everyone will master those skills at the same age. And if we (and I don't mean just the schools) addressed some of the other issues, so many more students would be able to concentrate enough to master those key skills. How can 'Tommy' learn about anything when he's not sure how long he'll be at this school or in that home. I had many 'Tommy's' who were shuffled between homes...first mom's, but new boyfriend doesn't get along with Tommy. Then dad's, but dad has no patience and tells Tommy if he messes up he'll be sent away. Tommy messes up and is sent to live at his aunt's. After a month or two, Tommy's aunt is a her wit's end and sends Tommy back to mom's. Tommy can't focus on much at school, and being transferred from school to school (because all these people are not in the same school zone) there's no continuity to school. If Tommy has anything else going against him...ADHD, or lower than average intelligence, or a learning disability, his chances of making it successfully through the school system is slim. If Tommy showed any progress, he should get an award, but he was still "below level" so no awards came his way. And so many 'Tommys" stopped dreaming of a better tomorrow, or never dreamed at all.
People need to be able to dream. Faith Hill's song "Fireflies" talks about being taught to dream. That's what kids need.

Two more thoughts:

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."
--Beverly Sills,

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
tired."
--Jules Renard,

Real Mothers Never Give Up or Give In

Reading Cindy's blog makes my heart hurt because of her pain. Reading her blogs, I never doubt she will get up tomorrow and keep on keeping on. She's got God on her side and I know she knows it. But all mothers (even those of us who have the "perfect angels"?) get tired of the constant repetition of our jobs and the condemnation we often seem to get from our children we are so desperately trying to teach. Most of us want to teach them first and foremost, that they are loved and lovable. For Cindy, that's a big order since most of her children come to her believing love is the stuff of fairy tales and that if love were real, they would definitely not be candidates for it. But the quest to believe you are lovable is not limited to those with abusive/neglectful pasts. Watch any 2-year old and see them test their parents to see, "Am I truly lovable?" Watch any teen-ager, and much of their actions beg that they be told they are lovable no matter how outrageous or foolish their behavior is.

Today's reading at church was from Luke 12:

"I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already
kindled! "But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until
it is accomplished! "Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on
earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; for from now on five members in
one household will be divided, three against two and two against three.
"They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against
daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and
daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."

This has always been a passage that has caused me discomfort...mother against daughter, daughter against mother. Not a comforting thought, but the priest today said that those who live The Truth will always cause discord with those around them. It made me think of how tired I get telling my girls, "No, you may not wear that." "No, I won't buy you that...it's not appropriate." "No, you may not listen to that music in this house." "No, you may not...." And I'm so tired because of the resistance they give to me, not once but over and over again. Maybe this is the daughter against mother?? If I'm doing my job, I will cause discord, unease in those around me. Whether or not that's exactly what is meant by this passage, I did take encouragement from this passage and felt like I could continue saying "NO" even though I often feel like giving in. I wonder, am I being too strict? Am I making them social pariahs? Today I answer, I am teaching them Truths. Better a social pariah than a heavenly pariah. God is on my side. So whatever my "battle," big or small, as the mother I can't give up or give in. I must continue teaching them truths and The Truth...they're all lovable.

School Choices

School is well under way now. The Imp has settled in and is basically okay with her classes and teachers. Her science teacher will be the thorn in her side all year, but hey, you can't have all your teachers be great.
The Singer came home from school the first day and exclaimed, "I'm never gonna make it through this year!!!" Trying to be sympathetic and not laugh at her dramatics, I inquired about her day. She proceeded to tell me that her classes were going to be hard. [This realization astonished me, as she's taking AP Spanish, Government, Calculus, and English; dual enrollment Anatomy and Physiology; Shakespeare; and Catholic Morality. I'm not sure how she thought her classes WOULDN'T be hard?] After more investigative work on my part (kids rarely tell the real problem outright), I discovered that her AP Spanish was the class really worrying her. Apparently she sat through the first class, not understanding most of what the teacher said. To keep afloat in that class would require extensive time, and she didn't see how she could give it that much time and still keep up in all her other classes. So Thursday she talked to her Spanish teacher and her guidance counselor and she's now taking Honors Spanish IV. She was worried about dropping an AP class hurting her chances of getting in to college. Of course, her friends fueled that worry with comments of "Colleges want you to take the most rigorous courses. Even if you get lower grades. You can't drop an AP class." Ugh. Thankfully, her guidance counselor told her graduating with 6 AP credits and a dual enrollment credit was fine. I know life has changed, but I didn't take ANY AP classes and still was able to get into William and Mary...go figure.
The college search is revving up. Hubby and the Singer are off to UCF for an official tour on August 29. Then the 3 of us (possibly the Imp, too) are head to FSU on Sept 10. We're hoping that these visits will help her get a feel for the campus and help her decide which she prefers.
While doing the college thing, the Imp is stressing over high school choices. And while it seems early, we've got to have applications to the Catholic schools and the magnet schools in by January, and if we decide on a Catholic school, registration payments (non-refundable) are due early March. So I'm praying for lots of patience and guidance this year.

Hubby's off to work already today. He'll put in 8 hours or so today. We've gotten spoiled with him rarely working more than 45 or 50 hours a week, and we don't even usually notice as he often works for an hour or two at home in the evenings. When he first started working for IBM back in 1988, a 50 hour week felt like vacation. In fact, he usually would work for 3 or 4 weeks at 70-80 hour/wk, and then the next 2 months would be 50-55 hour weeks, then things would pick up and a deadline would be coming and the 70-80 hour/wks would resume. I'm not sure how either of us survived that. He use to get up at 4:30 to be at work by 5:15 am. Then he'd come home about 5 to have dinner and spend time with me and the Singer, and then he'd go back into work around 7:30 and stay till midnight. When we talk about that time in our lives, we both marvel at the resiliency of youth.

The girls are waking up and I need to go start my Saturday chores.

I Love Teaching

I'm off this morning to the Imp's school for the opening day Mass. It's the feast of the Assumption (all about Mary) and as the school (due to the Salesian Sisters) is dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, it's a big deal. The principal is awesome. Traditionally, she'll give out free ice cream at lunch on big days celebrating Mary. The Imp now knows those days...what a great way to teach kids and have them associate Mary with good things.

After Mass, I'm off to St. Frances Cabrini Church in Spring Hill (about an hour north of here) to meet with the DRE (Director of Religious Education) since I'm doing a workshop for the catechists (teachers) there next Saturday. I love teaching teachers. I have a couple of 2 to 4 hours workshops I've written for catechists. The approach is a little different than "regular" teachers since the majority of these people are not educators by profession, but "just" volunteers trying to make a difference. The workshop I'm giving at St. Frances focuses on some of Harry Wong's teachings (he's an educational guru), and basic classroom management. I get to stand in front of a crowd and bounce around and get excited. I'm so glad. I really love teaching, period. The last few years I was in the classroom, it had so much about "appearances" and I spent way too much time defending myself to parents who seemed to care about grades and not necessarily learning. But preparing a lesson, the presenting it...that is a good day!


I typed the above in earlier today and had to run out to get to the Imp's school on time. I'm red-faced, as her school is NOT having Mass today (they have for the last 4 years! They're having their opening Mass NEXT week! Oh well, I'm off the St. Frances, and now have to figure out when I AM going to Mass.

Working

Three weeks into work and I'm loving it, and am very frustrated with it. I've spent 2 weeks trying to re-install all the programs that were on the old hard-drive onto the new hard-drive. Yes, I got to replace a hard-drive my first week at work. I would rate my computer knowledge about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, and as such, I am the most computer savvy in the office (kind of scary, isn't it?). So I've been dubbed, by default, our IT specialist. Huh? I didn't have email for over a week on the new hard drive, so I had to go to another computer to look up email. My boss expects email to be checked frequently as that is one way she communicates with us. I still haven't figured her out. Our office is comprised of 3 rooms plus a storage room and 1/2 bath. The total square footage may be 450 sq ft. It's small. So I'm not sure why she has to email me to give me information. I was wearing a step counter, and haven't been able to get over 700 steps at work (and that's even going outside at lunch!). It's about 10 steps to the bath and not even that from my desk to any other desk in the office. It's actually been fun having to use problem solving skills at work, however, I'm not sure my boss gets how much time it takes to work some of these kinks out. If the help desk tells me to turn off and unplug my computer and then wait 1 minute before plugging back in and starting up again, that's a lot of time. And sometimes, it requires doing that more than once before a problem is solved. I don't get the feeling that she has a good sense of time...how much time any one activity takes and so I get the feeling she is disappointed when work isn't completed on her time schedule. I've still got one more program to get loaded onto the hard-drive and then we'll be set (hopefully). Overall, I'm enjoying work and working only 6 hours is gravy!

The Imp started school and is miraculously in the homeroom she wanted to be in. At a Catholic K-8 school, much time is spent in homeroom: 15 minutes each morning and afternoon and a 1/2 hour before lunch for AR (accelerated reading) time. It is also the class you go to whenever the schedule is different and there's "extra" time at the beginning or end of the day. She is excited to be in 8th grade (big kid on campus) and is looking forward to high school where there will be a bigger pond to swim in. The Singer starts back tomorrow. So we haven't really gotten our "school year" rhythm down.

We had a terrible thunderstorm last night. The news said there were more the 1200 lightning strikes in 10 minutes. I believe it. It was the most intense storm we've had this year. Our pool filled up to the rim again, and we had to drain it and I hate doing that...it just feels wasteful. Our back yard is a swamp. But believe me, I am not complaining. It's wonderful to get so much rain. We're still under average for the year, so let it rain. My gardens are being invaded by weeds which grow so fast you can almost see them growing, especially with this much rain interspersed with heat and sunshine.

Portable Shelters?

Unbelievably, school is right around the corner. The Imp starts next Thursday (next Tues night is "Back to School Night" where we go and get to see what homeroom she's in, and there is a parents' meeting. The Imp, sharing characteristics of her mother, came into my room at 1:20 am this morning, telling me she couldn't sleep. The pre--school jitters have begun. Once school begins, she'll be fine, but the next week or so could be rough...on both of us. I don't do well on interrupted sleep. Not to mention, she comes into my room, stands by my bed puts her face very close to mine and whispers, "Mommm" "Momm" so I open my eyes and find myself staring into a face. Inevitably, I jump. Because of this response, my kids don't like to wake me up in the night (I've told them that standing back a little might help....).
The Singer is off to Music Ministry Alive. She is sooo excited. She was chosen to sing a solo at the closing program. She's pretty happy. It seems she's been gone a lot this summer...getting us ready for her going off to college, I guess.





Check out this story about PODS. No, not Portable On Demand Storage, although the same company, but Portable On Demand SHELTERs. Make sure to watch the video, it gives a tour of these cozy "homes". It sounds intriguing, having a small space to stay in, on your own property, as you recover from a catastrophic event (hurricane, wild fire, etc). I wouldn't want to stay in one for long, but having them so easily portable is really a plus. Here in Tampa, we know that hurricane season starts in May, but we don't usually start watching until August. August and September are the months we tend to get hit. Wonder if there's a way to tie this into solving the homeless problem?

Production vs Service

My first few days at work have been interesting. I still don't know what my job title is or job description or job expectations (other than "jack-of-all-trades"). But despite the lack of concrete, sequential, neatly packaged directions (which I thrive on), I'm still having fun. I enjoy being with other adults during the day. I also enjoy being able to contribute to my family's finances even just a little. Being a stay-at-home mom has been/is very important to me, but a continual struggle has been feeling like a "free-loader." I know all the arguments about the economic (not to mention emotional and spiritual) value to my family because of me being at home. I believe it and know my decision is right and am not sorry for choosing this life at all. However, "Pull your own weight." echos in my mind and in a society that values production over service and money over ... well just about anything, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling unproductive. Being at home also means that I spend most of the money. I do the shopping and get the car fixed and pay the bills and pick up the dry-cleaning and so on. Hubby puts gas in the car and while that has become a bigger expenditure than it use to be, it doesn't add up near as quickly as all of my purchases. The Imp needed a new uniform skirt, new tennis shoes, and new uniform shirt. The Singer needed new school shoes and new tennis shoes. Those purchases plus the various school supplies that they need, and I've spent significantly more than I do in a "normal" month. My paycheck will make me feel better and provide us with the ability to do some of the extras (family vacation, to name one) we haven't in a while. I'm very blessed.

The Gift of Grief

The Unwanted Gift of Grief is a book I picked up in Chicago last week. Saturday night (while still in Tampa) a group of friends of mine were discussing grieving. Another friend lost his mother a few months ago and some people couldn't understand the length and depth of his grief. Walking through the grief process myself, I know that grief is ultimately personal and individual. My grief for John is different than my grief for my brother, Chris....for a number of reasons ranging from the suddenness of Chris' death to the fact that I'm 5 years older than I was when Chris died. I began reading this book and kept saying "YES! That's exactly it!" I'm tempted to write all the passages I've already highlighted in the book, but I've highlighted too much and cannot pick the most pertinent or most moving quote. For anyone who's lost someone...even a long time ago, and for anyone who knows someone who's lost someone, this book is a must. To me, this book approached grief intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It has made me feel better simply because it has validated my grief process.

Chicago was wonderful. The details are unimportant. I had much time of sharing with friends, made new friends and had time to personally think. I spent one morning at the Loyola Museum looking at an exhibit on John Paul II and his friendship with a Jew, Jerzy Kluger, who ultimately helped JPII visit Israel. It was so interesting and provoking. I'm such a history buff, that the history itself was intriquing. But to recognize what the Pope went through before becoming pope was inspiring. Near the end of the exhibit, there was a model "Wailing Wall" like the wall in Israel where John Paul stopped to pray. There was paper for you to write a prayer on and put it in the wall. The museum will be taking all those prayers to the Wailing Wall in Israel when the exhibit closes. Pretty neat. Yes, I left a prayer.

What Marriage Should Be

A week ago, I headed off to SC by myself to share the 4th with my family. My brother, Mark, from California had already made plans to visit before John's death. Hubby and the Singer couldn't take more time off of work after the week in June, and the Imp decided to stay home. So I found myself, once again, driving from Tampa to Sumter (about a 485 mile trip). I've made that trip about every 2 months for the past 4 1/2 years...often alone. As I was driving, it was surreal, it was hard for me to get my head around the fact that I wouldn't see John once I finally got there. With 9 hours of driving time, I had lots of time to think, and remembered many of my trips to SC and things I did with John. Of course, I remembered the trip to Ward's Bar-B-Que the last time I was there. John was craving fat-back (a southern delicacy?) and Elaine and Essie (John's nurse) and I took him out to Ward's so he could get a taste of fat-back (think pork rinds, only more fat --ugh). But it was a great memory and I know John enjoyed the outing and the food. I also thought of older memories...of when we were little. I didn't really appreciate John and his sense of humor and his decidedly different approach to life until we were both approaching 30. I always loved him but didn't quite "get him" until I matured. It was sad to think how often he frustrated me during those first 30 years, when if I had only relaxed a little, I could have laughed both at and with him. Makes me look at others who walk to the beat of their own drummer a little differently.

I enjoyed my time in SC immensely. I got to spend time with Mark and my parents. With Mark being 8 years older and living 3000 miles away, we don't spend lots of time together. It was good to catch up with him. My mom and I hit the mall and I got some great "end of summer sale" stuff. But I really enjoyed my time with Gwyn, my sister-in-law. She and I went out to dinner and then sat in her back yard (one of John's favorite places) and got to talk. I've always liked Gwyn, but the last 4 years, I've tried hard to visit John while Gwyn's at work and give Gwyn and John their time...knowing that their time was limited. We visited, but rarely just the two of us. I really enjoyed my time with her last week, and am more convinced then ever that marrying Gwyn was one of John's best decisions. Last week on Oprah, I saw Bob Woodruff and his wife, Lee, speak about his recovery from a head injury in Iraq. At one point, Oprah stated that it was inspiring to see Lee stick by Bob through this ordeal. Lee's response was great...one of surprise that sticking by Bob was seen as extraordinary. She loves him, she's married to him, they're part of each others' lives. OF COURSE she'd be there. The same reaction occurred with Gwyn and John. When John was first diagnosed, people would ask if he were married and if his wife was staying with him. I was confused...Yeah! She's his wife. She loves him. They're in this together...whatever "this" is. They each worked every day trying to make the situation better for the other. John wished he could somehow make it so that Gwyn wouldn't have to see him deteriorate, that he could somehow ease her work-load knowing that it grew each day as his abilities diminished. Gwyn approached her increased work-load as a matter of course....it needs to be done...so let's do it. Their time together was obviously tainted by ALS, but they both worked to make the time they had good and not only about ALS. It is inspiring...because this is what marriage should look like. They demonstrated love. Just makes my heart break to know she has lost her best friend.

While the trip to SC was good and I did have a good time, I am so, so, so happy to be home. Hubby and I have said at least 10 times a day to each other, "It's just good to be with you." We've done nothing exciting or extraordinary, but I'm definitely glad to be home.

Tomorrow night, the Imp has convinced us to all go to the opening night of the new Harry Potter movie. We're going with Hubby's cousin and his family. I can't remember the last opening night I've been too...and in fact, I'm not sure I've ever been. I'm not a crowd person and usually prefer to wait until the theater won't be totally full. But...it should be interesting.

Worrying

I think I may finally be growing up. I have always been a consummate worrier. Stressing about possible happenings that rarely, if ever, occur. Worrying gains us nothing but stress. We're told to trust in God and NOT to worry. So for years, I've been working on this problem of mine.
Having said all that, I do believe there is a thin line between worrying and planning. Thinking of possible outcomes to plan for them is different than worrying, although I often find myself crossing between planning and worrying and back again.
Being a stay-at-home mom has made me worry a little less, especially financially. Living on one income is not easy, especially if you play the comparison game to other families. We give up much by having me be at home. But, if I really look, I lack little, if anything in my life. Our financial situation seems to be cyclical. We do well...budget balanced, few "catastrophic" bills, etc. and we feel like we're doing great. Then within a few months, a number of things will happen (like the year our van needed hundreds of dollars of repairs, our tenants moved out of our rental home in the middle of the night without saying anything, and school tuition rose 10%). But, looking back, somehow things worked out. A few years ago when Hubby and I were weighing our options, we decided that plan A was the right plan, but that somehow I'd have to bring in $2,000 in the next 10 months. I had no obvious opportunities immediately in front of me, but we made the decision anyway, with the idea I'd begin looking for work shortly. Not 2 weeks later, I was offered a contract for curriculum work...for $2,000.
Here we are again, sailing along for the last two years with little true concerns. Then our home owners insurance tripled in February, unexpected travel out of town, wedding anniversaries and weddings, the Singer banging up the car...and once again the financial mountain seems to loom ahead. Troubles with my certification making my contract work unavailable indefinitely. Ugh. Then, 2 weeks ago, a friend called me, asking if I'd be interested in working part-time (4 days a week, 9am - 3pm) with flexibility based on the girls' school calendar. Her office is a mere 5 minutes from the Imp's school. It's a small office (two full time employees), and I'd be doing a lot of organizing and cataloguing...my strengths for sure. We met for lunch on Tuesday and I start training mid-July and begin in earnest when the girls return to school in August. Wow! What timing!
I'm not trying to be Pollyanna. Things COULD have been different. If I hadn't been offered this job, we'd have to cut back on things. I don't sit around waiting for God to solve my problems, but trusting in God makes the problems seem more manageable and helps me put the proper perspective on the issues. Does it really matter if we get a new couch, or replace our worn carpet, or take a trip to New York City or buy the new bestseller, or drive a beat up car, or miss the latest movies at the theater? We've got each other and a roof over our heads, and food on the table...the rest is gravy.

Caffeine withdrawal

I've had no real caffeine since my Friday morning coffee. I've heard caffeine withdrawal is the worst the first 2 days...not for this girl. Maybe I still felt so bad from the sinus infection, the caffeine withdrawal didn't hit me, but with only 2 pieces of chocolate as my caffeine intake, I'm really craving a real cup of coffee (I've made myself the decaf kind for the last few mornings hoping to psyche myself out...no such luck) or some cola.

The Singer is Super Seventeen today, so I'm off to gather the ingredients for a shrimp pasta salad (her favorite...the Imp doesn't like it...so the Singer and I will enjoy it tonight on her real birthday and we'll have burgers tomorrow for the family birthday celebration). I'll get some fresh green beans, as well and saute them with a little garlic and butter, another favorite of the Singers. I'll also order the cookie cake we'll be sharing tomorrow night with the cousins, too. I can't believe it's been 17 years since I held her in my arms the first time. Time flies...enjoy them while you can.

Walk by Faith not by Sight

On the Saturday afternoon of June 9, 2007, when I got the call that John "had joined the angels," I had yet to read the devotional from my book, A Catholic Woman's Book of Days by Amy Welborn. In fact, the book stayed on my nightstand, unopened until my return from John's funeral a week later. On the 16th, late at night, I began to read the entries I'd missed and this was the entry for June 9th.

So we are always confident; even though we know that while we are at home in the
body we are away from the Lord -- for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we do
have confidence and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the
Lord.

--2 Cor 5:6-8

And the commentary:

A friend of mine once gave her opinion of the concept of
reincarnation. "I love life, but really, once is enough. I'll be
ready to be with God and stay there!"

In addition to being such an appropriate reading for the circumstances (as John's body had become such a prison for him), Second Corinthians is a favorite Letter from the Bible for John. The beginning of this letter has Paul explaining why we suffer.

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our
brother, To the church of God which is at Corinth with all the saints who are
throughout Achaia:
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord
Jesus Christ.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our
affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just
as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is
abundant through Christ.
But if we are afflicted, it is for your
comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort,
which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also
suffer;
and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are
sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

--2 Cor 1

Sinus Infections and Gifts

It's been a whirlwind week. After arriving home at 4 pm on Friday and getting the Imp to dress rehearsal by 5:30 pm and then surviving 2 performances Saturday. Sunday, Father's Day arrived. Thankfully all Hubby wanted was a quiet day at home. Some grilled steaks, potatoes, green bean casserole plus his gifts (new garden hose, nozzle, and home hair-cutting kit, a Toby Mac CD courtesy of the Imp and a guitar chord poster)plus watching the US Open and he was content. The week flew by as we prepared for Hubby and the Imp to leave early Thursday morning for PA and a wedding on his side of the family. Multiple trips to the library, a trek to Bush Gardens (the Imp and her male cousins have a goal of visiting Bush at least once a week throughout the summer and I'm designated driver. Hey this is why I don't work outside the home...but I could've used a break), laundry and packing and I got them to the airport early Thursday. Then I spent Thursday and Friday preparing for the Princess party for the Singer. This included pool deck cleanup as well as the house. Through all this I wasn't feeling the best. Frequent headaches...behind the eyes..which I attributed to the frequent crying and the attempts not to cry. By Thursday the pain was beginning to radiate through my check and jaw bones and my teeth began to ache. That was a sign...I needed to see a doctor. I have a sinus infection and was put on an antibiotic and steroid. Between the two of those drugs the side effects are less than pleasant. I'm to stay out of the sun because of sun-sensitivity, I'm to avoid caffeine (WHAT?) because of sleeplessness (and it's not like I've been sleeping well anyway), and nervousness, dizziness and irritability are also listed. That's not to mention the nausea, and other gastrointestinal reactions! Oh joy! I guess it's a good thing Hubby's in PA. After preparing for the party and welcoming the guests, I disappeared into my room, figuring that was better than showing my irritability. My doctor said "Think of a bad case of PMS...that's how you'll feel." Swell! I actually thought I did okay until the sleepover part and their laughter waking me at 2 am, 3:45 am and 5 am.

The party was a success! They played Pretty Pretty Princess and each guest was assigned a Disney princess before the party. Once here, they were given a quiz about their princess. Prizes included Princess bubbles and a Disney Princess paddle ball. They were going to swim, but a huge thunderstorm rolled in and forced them inside. Fortunately, the Singer had poster-sized coloring book with pictures of Disney Princesses to color. Yes these rising seniors in high school had a great time listening to music, talking and coloring! They also made foam tiaras. They had a blast and I got time alone...a win/win situation.

The one of the best things about today was I got my hair done. I had an appointment scheduled for the week of John's funeral, so I was about 10 days overdue. It does something to my psyche to see my roots (grey and brown) growing out...and not anything positive. I always feel better after getting my hair colored and cut. So between the meds and the haircut, I'm doing pretty good tonight...I just hope I can sleep (I had 2 mini chocolate cheesecakes today...homemade and leftover from the Singer's party).

But the very best thing that happened today was I received a condolence gift in the mail. This friend used to live in Tampa (3 short years as her husband was stationed at MacDill AFB). She was here for us when my brother Chris died. She cooked dinners for my family and helped in many other ways (taking over a fundraising activity I was in charge of) while I went to be with my parents. She is such a good friend...a crafting-buddy of mine. She sent a homemade garden stone and on it is a rosary made of red and white stones and a beautiful gold cross in the middle. It will be put in my garden tomorrow...next to my rose bush. It is great to feel so loved and cared for. Just wish she didn't live in South Dakota!

The Four Agreements

Cindy's Adoption blog today was about kids "not loving you." I'm reading a book The Four Agreements. .
It's quite interesting. I've read the book before and am in the process of re-reading it and am actually re-reading and trying to absorb the section on the Second Agreement. It states: "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." In fact it's quite egotistical to believe that someone's actions is because of you. This idea actually tags onto the idea I wrote about a few weeks ago. If I have multiply choices in how I will act/react in a given situation, so do others. Therefore their actions are based on their choices, not me. This agreement is hard to digest sometimes because I so want to say, "But, if so and so hadn't have done whatever, I would have reacted differently." But then that's stating that my actions are not under my control.
Especially in the role of parent or teacher, kids often see us as Charles Schultz portrayed adults in Charlie Brown: faceless identities that squawk at them. We are "parent" or "teacher" not a person. It is a joy when a child grows beyond seeing us simply as the role we have and instead sees us as a unique person, but in reality, while living at home, that rarely happens.



The Four Agreements TM

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Get Me to the Church on Time

Settling back into a routine now that we've returned home has helped deal with the pain of losing John. I find myself constantly remembering all the things from last week, and then remembering John, when he was an angel and when he irritated me to no end. I guess coming from a family of 8 kids, family funerals will always end with some interesting stories. Hubby and I have the story of driving to Ellen's funeral (Tampa to DC). We originally left Tampa at noon on Saturday (the girls being 5 and 3 yrs old). Unfortunately, an hour north of Tampa the fuel pump on our van broke. Fortunately, a rest stop was literally right there and we pulled into the parking lot to call AAA. Fortunately, AAA said they could send a tow-truck out immediately. Unfortunately, they sent it to the wrong rest-stop (south of Tampa, instead of north of Tampa). Unfortunately it took 4 hours for the tow truck to finally arrive. Fortunately, our mechanic works out of the north part of town and we had our van towed to his shop. Fortunately, Hubby's cousin met us there and we were able to transfer everything from the van to his car. Unfortunately, we didn't have a vehicle to drive to DC. Fortunately, Hubby's cousin and his family fed us dinner as Hubby and cousin went and got us a van from a rental company. Fortunately, we were able to get on the road at 7pm. Unfortunately, the girls were already tired of travelling and we hadn't left town yet! Somehow we made it to Maryland (where we were staying with friends) in time to drop the girls off, take a quick shower and change and get to the viewing at the funeral home at 6 or 7pm the next night. Kevin hadn't heard that story until last week. [Well, I wasn't going to tell him the story at his wife's funeral...we made it...that's what counted.]
My brother, Mark from California had an even more harrowing experience getting to John's funeral. Planning to arrive late the night before John's funeral, he left home early that morning. Everything was going fine until he arrived at Dulles Airport (DC area). All flights were cancelled because of storms. The next flight was at 10:30 the following morning (John's funeral was at 10 am). So after hours of standing in line to find his luggage, rent a car (the last one on the lot), he drove the 500 miles from Dulles to Sumter. Stopping to change clothes at my parents' house, he arrived sometime after the funeral began, but made it! John was remembered as someone who got things done...a hard worker...determined and deligent. Those qualities are easily seen in all my brothers (and my dad). There's a reason he was like that...he had great examples.

Father's Day

Today I'm thinking of my dad and how this day must be so hard for him. Someone at the funeral told Hubby that there is a special word for a man who has lost his wife, widower, and a special word for a child who has lost their parents, orphan, but there is no word to describe a parent who has lost a child. Could it be that we just don't want to have to name this indescribable situation?...a parent who's lost a child to death. I can't begin to imagine a Mother's Day without one of my girls. How do you celebrate a day that points out your loss? I know my dad loves all the rest of us and welcomes our celebration of him as our dad, but there still has to be an empty spot in his heart as he misses John (and Chris).

John's funeral was beautiful. I think he would have liked it. Elaine, my oldest sister, was a gem all week. She took care of everyone and everything. She captured John's spirit perfectly in her eulogy. John's little church was packed to overflowing. How comforting to me to see all those people. His high school football coach, Coach Geddings was there. Our high school teacher, Mrs. DuBose came to the visitation the night before. I can't possibly list all those whose presence eased my pain. Cindy showing up was amazing.

I find words evading me. But I am thankful for all the cards and condolences sent my way.

Dealing with Death

Me hugging John (1966)

John and my brother Chris (1969 or 1970)

John and The Imp 1998


John and Hubby last summer

Funny how my last entry was about attitude. That your contentment/happiness in life is determined by the choices you make rather than by the circumstances of your life.

I've been given the opportunity to live out my words. My brother, John, died on Saturday. Exhausted from dealing with ALS, he simply didn't have the energy left to wake up after a nap. ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's Disease) causes the body to become paralyzed bit by bit. Eventually the diaphragm is paralyzed and breathing ceases. So here I am faced with heart-breaking circumstances...the death of my brother. The tears have readily fallen. The anguish of knowing I will never see that twinkle in his eye as a sly smile crosses his face when he's pulling someone's leg is so strong at times it's like a physical punch in the stomach. My heart breaks thinking of his wonderfully amazing wife and her grief. Yet behind all the pain and immediate grief, I'm okay. I believe John is with God. I believe that he continues to live both in heaven and in our memories. It is my loss, not worry or concern about John, that has me reaching for yet another tissue as the tears seem to simply seap out of my eyes.

Nike may have coined the phrase "Just Do It," but John lived it each and every day of his life. How can I not miss that? I am saddened that my daughters won't have him to talk to as they continue to grow, because he offered a special insight into life, so different from my own, yet enriching to them. I am saddened that our nephews, Christopher and Andrew (4 yrs and 19 months) won't remember him. Christopher and John were buds.

My sadness is for the world's loss. A great and beautiful soul is no longer walking on the earth. So my attitude must be to work even harder at making the world a good place to help conteract the loss by John's death.

John's obituary

Devotional

My devotion today was so right on that I had to share it.

The good life-- the on that truly satisfies -- exists only when we stop wanting a better one. It is the condition of savoring what IS rather than longing for what might be. The itch for things, the lust for more -- so brilliantly injected by those who peddle them -- is a virus draining our souls of happy contentment. Have you noticed? A man never earns enough. A woman is never beautiful enough. Clothes are never fashionable enough. Cars are never nice enough. Gadgets
are never modern enough. Houses are never furnished enough. Food is never fancy enough. Relationships are never romantic enough. Life is never full enough.

Satisfaction comes when we step off the escalator of desire and say, 'This is enough. What I have will do . What I make of it is up to me and my vital union with the living Lord.'

from Wisdom For the Way: Wise Words for Busy People

I love the expression "step off the escalator of desire." How true. This reminds me of a push Oprah had a few years back: to have an attitude of gratitude. We all have tapes running in our heads. "You did that well." "Should've kept your mouth shut." "You can do this." or "You're just stupid." "How come I don't have (whatever)?" "Everyone else has more." "I deserve more." We can change our tapes if we want. Starting each day by thanking God for 5 things (I'm alive could be #1. I am loved by God a good #2) and ending each day the same way, changes the tapes we tend to play for ourselves during the day. If we are cognisant that all comes from God and if we are thankful for what we have, it is pretty easy to be content and stay off the escalator of desire (I really like that...can you tell?). My first year teaching (amazingly 21 years ago), I taught with a group of 5 other young women (like me...most a few years older than me but all under 30) and we ate lunch together. Each day the other 5 women would begin to describe all that was wrong with their husbands. After a few weeks, I began to notice all that was wrong with MY husband and I began to feel angry at my husband (he hadn't changed at all...just my attitude/focus). Their comments and focus had me looking for how my husband wasn't good enough. I enjoyed the company of these women when they weren't discussing their hubbies so I began to interject positive things my hubby did. If they complained about the toothpaste tube being squeezed from the middle, I'd say, "Oh, I'm so lucky. Hubby never does that." If they'd complained about their hubbies not helping in the kitchen, I'd say, "Oh, Hubby always helps me" or "Oh, we have a deal, Hubby NEVER does that. I'm picky and I won't let him near the stove. But he does all the clothes folding. I'm happy with our deal." They didn't have a good response so the conversation usually went to a new topic. But after actively describing how wonderful my hubby was to these women, I SAW him as wonderful. So over a period of a month I went from being content with my hubby, to being angry with him for all his shortcomings, to thinking he was the best thing since sliced bread. He hadn't done anything differently...it was all in my attitude and my focus. Was I looking for the good or was I looking for the bad. Watch what you think and say. Words are powerful. Keep telling yourself your life is terrible and I guarantee, no matter what your circumstances, your life will be terrible. Tell yourself that your life is great and low and behold...it is. As a teacher I saw this phenomenon much too often. Students labelled as troublemakers or underachievers or whatever. They became their labels. If you go into any successful classroom, you will see a teacher looking for and finding the good in their students. Watch your words/thoughts...they are very powerful.